“losing/taking virginity”
– turns sex into an object
– places pressure on the decision
– you don’t actually lose or take anything ?“sexual debut”
– exciting
– all focus is on u
– suggests a musical number is involved
You Might Also Like
When I walk through automatic doors sometimes I think I’m controlling them with my mind, that’s normal right?
(Job Interview)
Interviewer: So, tell me about yourself.
Me: I’m unemployed.
I: How about something personal?
Me: Personally I need a job.
[First day as a personal chef]
How do you take your poptart?
Just checked my Fitbit. I’ve taken 212 steps today and that was just from going back and forth to the fridge.
Hey boy, are you the tasks written on my whiteboard? Because I don’t plan on doing you
Life is like a box of chocolates. When it’s finished all you’ll have is a box.
If human civilization had a narrator it would just be some guy repeating “Little did they know…” over and over and over.
My friend met a wonderful man and swears that her dead ex-boyfriend sent him to her. I’m so jealous. I wish my ex-boyfriend was dead.
[In bed with gf]
“Do you have any fantasies?”
Yeah, one. You know your friend Sarah, the hot one?
“Yes.. why?”
I want to hit her with my car
Bikes are held up by witchcraft if u can ride a bike you are a level 1 wizard & if u can ride a unicycle you are a level 2 dork haha owned
Way to go, parents who had to use fraud to get their children into college. Now everyone knows your kids are stupid and will know any time they’re googled. Fine lesson there.
I’ve never seen Les Misérables, but it looks like a cool movie about people who sing while working at Urban Outfitters.
if you can’t handle me at my worst is there another preferably more affordable therapist you can refer me to
My son just demanded to be changed into different pajamas for breakfast.
Thanks, royal baby.
“What do you like to do in your free time?”
Golf.
“Oh that’s cool. When’s the last time you played?”
8 years ago.
my 8yo’s friend came over wearing a Guns-n-Roses t-shirt
me: cool shirt, one of my favorite bands when I was younger
him: yeah it’s my grandma’s favorite band
if you watch Titanic from d back; it’s about dead people resurrecting from the sea, pulling up a ship fixing it and sailing to England
Been laughing about this for about 5 consecutive minutes
Wore a push up bra to work today and now I can’t see my keyboard.
They don’t put calorie counts or serving suggestions on boxed wine. They know you’ve got enough problems already.
*kicks the door in*
PEOPLE DESERVE TO BE TREATED WELL AND HAVE THEIR NEEDS MET AND ALSO I’M SORRY ABOUT THE DOOR
“Hello darkness my old friend.”
Darkness: I’m not lending you any money.
Having no tattoos in 2014, is like having tattoos in 1967.
If Mother Earth were real she’d leave us all outside the fire station.
ME: holy shit is that the pope?!
HER [tugging on my arm]: sit down that’s the bride
Please don’t interrupt me when I’m trying to overhear something.
I haven’t won anything since I did my kid’s fifth grade science fair project.
I’m not heartless. It’s just in a different purse at the bottom of the closet.
I never go anywhere without a couple dozen shrimp in my pocket. They’re my ‘running around, doing whatever’ shrimp.
If Satan isn’t real then why am I in a group text with my family