No, officer, I haven’t been drinking; my toddler just needed to hand me everything from the back seat.
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Her: *Googling* baby on fire what to do
Google: Call 911
Her: *Googling again* Baby on fire what to do NO TALKING ON PHONE
Him: I’d prefer that you just remain unapologetic instead of offering up some non-apology.
Me: I’m sorry you feel that way.
The older you get the only functions you attend are bodily..
[Traffic Stop]
Cop: Sir, please step out of the car
Me: But you said…
Cop: I said 3 minutes tops & you promised not to touch the siren.
When did we get a dog?
-me, getting into the wrong gray minivan at Target
VILLAIN: *Stroking cat* I’ve been expec-
BOND: OMG your kitty is so cute! Can I pet him?!
V:*Whining* Tiiim, you said this was intimidating!
no one:
me at 2am: maybe cake in the fridge also can’t sleep cause it’s thinking about me
They do NOT make the iPhone keypad for large hands … I go to type “hey” and it comes out “vvshddhhehe”
*84th flr*
CW: You look sad, can I cheer you up?
M: Heard Van Halen’s “Jump”?
CW: Sure!
Me: Jump out that window and sing it on the way down
[Spider sits at computer and Googles probability of being eaten by human in his lifetime] Holy shit Sharon, COME SEE THIS
[Doctor’s Office]
Dr: I’m not going to candy-coat this….
Me: *misses bad results of test because I’m imagining a coat made of Skittles*
Me: lets go on a date
Her: umm
Me: what could go wrong
*25 minutes later we are being chased by a pack of raccoons*
Passwords are by far the best way to keep me from accessing any of my stuff
Car salesmen: Good evening
Me: TAKE IT EASY PAL I’M JUST LOOKING AROUND
My stepmother asking me exactly how many chicken nuggets to make for my kids like lady it could be 15 or 0 do I look like some kind of psychic
What idiot called it “salad” and not “la sad”
In honor of Charles Dickens I will also be cold and poor this christmas.
Hitting someone with overdraft fees is like whipping a footless man because he’s not running fast enough.
You can pronounce it “Nude Jersey” and no one will know
The look of dismay on my dog’s face tells me nothing is as unfair to dogs as when they’re chasing a bird and the bird flies off.
Sorry about that time I gave you advice that would have made your life ten times better. Good thing you chose to completely ignore it. Phew.
If you call yourself a “cat photographer” and you are not a cat, gtfo
I threw my bra on stage at a concert once. It landed somewhere in the flute section.
9yo: “Hey mom? Do we have any duct tape? And before you say anything, I PROMISE we’re not going to put it ON anyone. I mean like…not exactly anyway.”
What month is it? Why is summer so long?
is he attractive or did he just reply to your message with full sentences in a timely manner
I’d like to visit the Grand Canyon again, but this time – there’s no way I’m going down on a donkey
People say “like a boss” as if they forgot how much bosses suuuuck
*walks into business conference*
*everyone stares and gasps because I have a hotel coffee cup instead of Starbucks*
*one lady starts crying and gives me her cup*
just saw Netflix went up to $19.99/month and all I gotta say is for the person who’s been letting me use theirs for the past few years…please stay strong 🙏
I feel bad for my Roomba, so every other day I vacuum while it sits on the couch watching TV and drinking beer.