Twitter is the only place where it’s actually BORING to discover that you are being followed by hundreds of robots.
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I only use balsamic vinegar made from the finest of ballsams.
A high five is like a regular five that laughs at everything and gets the munchies.
I just accidentally uploaded this instead of my invoice on a company’s invoicing portal and I can’t delete it
If you say “I don’t feel good” and a pregnant woman says “Me neither,” DO NOT respond with “Yeah, but you chose this for yourself…”
My anaconda don’t want none unless you got a suitable living environment for him, a terrarium with a heat lamp, some small rodents, etc.
My girlfriend is pissed that I just matched with her on Tinder.
thank god 50 shades of grey got the R rating they wanted because what kid under 18 wouldn’t want to watch 50 shades of grey with a parent
Sex with me is like a ferris wheel: slower than you hoped, full of clunky stops and a carny watches to make sure you don’t get off.
Interviewer: where do ya see yourself in 5yrs
Me: going through a Denny’s trash bin
I: but you might get this job
M: haha that’s… irrelevant
Merlot; what Princess Ariel drinks when she’s depressed.
#lunchpun
The road to enlightenment always leads through the valley of morons.
Kindergartners almost have the best gossip, like my son told me that one of his friends brought EIGHT Oreos for a snack at school but he couldn’t remember the kid’s name
Here we go again. #MAsnow ❄️
*flips bird*
*buys another bird with the profits*
I’ve spent days trying to make the perfect batch of homemade soap and I’m really starting to appreciate how much pressure Walter White was under.
I saw a car with “Wash Me” written on it, so I set it on fire. I’ll be damned if I’m going to allow cars to become sentient!
I’m sorry I hosed off your toddler as he walked by my house but I can’t afford to get sick right now.
Does anyone know how the lady reacted when Van Gogh gave her his ear? Was it positive? Cause I’m running out of ideas for gifts.
There aren’t enough love songs about the moment you see your luggage appear at baggage claim.
Being good at customer service is essentially jingling keys in the face of adults.
“It’s raining men. Hallelujah.”
-The lesser known 11th plague that God sent to the Egyptians
I gotta say, I’ve never been in an Uber with red and blue lights!
Also, I don’t remember calling for one…
*arrives in hell*
*Hey Ya starts playing*
haha nice love this song
*song ends*
…
*Hey Ya starts playing*
wait no
We save women and children first because the dads have to make sure all the lights are off and the thermostat is set appropriately.
have an idea for a hot wings restaurant. the wings are free, but napkins cost $100…
Whenever you’re having a bad day, think of the guy who has to put the circus tent back in its bag.
Top causes of divorce:
1. Finances
2. Infidelity
3. Unmet expectations
4. Growing apart
5. Tandem bikes
*a colony of zombies ripping human skulls open & eating brain. Off to the side, a French zombie fries brains in butter with aioli trempette
i love that my tweets still say i’m tweeting from earth because i know a lot of you are tweeting straight from URANUS