Marriage vows in the future will include things like “During pandemics, I promise not to judge how many glasses of wine you drink.”
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Just updated My Facebook status from “Single” to “In a Trinity”. #wayoverdue
I feel sorry for all the responsible bulls out there minding their own business and just looking to buy some nice china.
[mom ridiculing me in front of new GF]
“Luke was afraid to go into family changing rooms until 22 because he thought he’d get a new family”
Fun Fact: If you wear scrubs, people will tell you all kinds of unsolicited and disgusting problems.
[the invention of tennis]
“I don’t want this ball.”
“Well, I don’t want it either.”
I’m not going to make my daughter choose a religion, I’ll explain the differences & when the time comes she can choose either Marvel or DC.
I fired myself from cleaning my own house. I didn’t like my attitude, and I got caught drinking on the job.
wrestling movies: im sad and i have something to prove to my dad
actual wrestlers: my name is Nutbuster Mike and i dont care if i die
Spider-cat: No One Home
3-year-old: Daddy, I love you *hugs me*
Me: I love y- Did you wipe your mouth on my shirt?
Most of fatherhood is just being a good napkin.
Your greatness is measured by the font-size of your obituary. #AlsoNotoriety
Why did they call it “All Dogs Go To Heaven” and not “Hell Hath No Furry”?
I was homeschooled so my back to school pics were of me standing in front of the house before I went back inside.
Proud to be the guy that got my local park to introduce a “Don’t barbecue the ducks” rule.
My sneeze is the reason people in the middle ages believed sneezing was caused by demon possession
I received my 5yo’s report card today. His teachers are impressed with his leadership skills and want him to be the class tidy up captain because he’s so helpful! I’m really proud but also wondering if they’re talking about the right kid.
I had to use first and middle names on my daughters today for overly rough play in the pool.
Ages 22 and 25. With 401ks. This never stops.
Secret to peaceful parenting is to never tell your child the plans for the day
My grandfather just figured out what instagram is so now he says “#nofilter” after every casually racist comment he makes.
*if I had the Infinity Gauntlet*
*in the kitchen, tappin’ to the music, snappin’ to the mu-
ope
Me, bewildered: “What is this odd thingy?”
H: It’s called a wine stopper.
Me, whisper cries: “Why would anyone want to stop the wine?”
poor people: innuendo
rich people: hoteluendo
HER: I can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: I can change Becky
HER: promise?
ME: into a semi truck
A very large bee just flew by and dropped a big spider on me. What kind of sick collaboration is this?
Things will be fine, eventually, in thousands of years, for rocks
7: Where are you and Mom going tonight?
Me: To meet with your teacher.
7: Oh, you don’t need to. I already saw her today.
Age 16: Made fun of my parents for going to bed at 10PM.
Age 40: Wonders how they managed to stay up so late.
Your mom when the street lights been on 6 minutes and you’re not home yet.
Thank god madagascar 3 is coming out. Just didnt get the closure i needed with the first 2