My parents moved a lot when I was younger.
My sister and I always managed to track them down though.
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“I’m not sure-”
wife: honey he’s a zookeeper if he says these are koalas I trust him-aww look at them!
*the raccoons hiss from the dumpster*
My wife screamed “you haven’t listened to a single word I’ve said, have you?!
I was taken aback….what a weird way to start a conversation.
Me: That is a dank whale
Date: That’s a killer whale
Me: lmao no one says killer anymore, say sick or fierce
HR: you list 911 as your emergency contact
me: i hear they’re the best
I saw this post on Tumblr awhile ago and I liked the visual so much I had to draw it
🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀
At one point during our audit on Friday my hot boss called me “babe.” That means for the rest of you that your window of opportunity is closing…
Wanted:
1 Psychic.You know who you are.
*wife looks through my phone
*divorces me 8 times
Psychiatrist “Tell me about your trust issues.”
Me “No”
Screw it. SCREW EVERYTHING.
– me, 5 minutes after learning how to use a power drill
Donald Trump said he thinks we made the right decision to leave the EU. This confirms that we absolutely did not make the right decision.
i love that gatorade says 0% juice. like yeah we’re well aware there’s no fruit named “cool blue”
– You got so drunk last night, you were dancing on the table in your underwear!!
– Me? In my underwear? You must have left early.
Was glad my kids didn’t scream for me to come deal with the bug but also concerned when they named him Jerry before they killed it.
museums: why doesn’t anyone go to museums anymore
also museums: thanks for the $22. here are 87 bolted down ipads. tap on them
Your sister wives’ moms are technically mother-in-against-the-laws
ME [wakes up next to attractive woman] omg wow, I can’t even remember, how…how far did we go?
HER: [looks out bus window] 2 stops
You’re worried about the home hairdressing? Wait till you have to resort to home dentistry.
Doctor: you’re not going to make it
Me: give me a number doc
Doctor: 8
Me: *pees into a cup 8 feet away*
Doctor: damn son
1. Get in hammock.
2. Relax.
3. Try and get out of hammock.
4. Panic.
5. Don’t fight it and just accept that this is where you live now.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but by September you should already have your letter to Santa drafted.
My 3 yr old is so encouraging. I changed my shirt; she says”Daddy, you did it!” If she finds out I use the potty by myself, she’ll flip out.
[texting my fiancé the night before our wedding] are we still on for tomorrow
Canadians eat more mac & cheese than any other nation
We also rank first for quality of life
I’m not saying these things are related but ….these things are definitely related
I made this sign for a broken stepladder at work & honestly I think I need to make one for myself too
If I owned a bar, the only food I’d serve would be warm buns and it would have a dance floor. I would name it Abundance.
I am so sorry.
Ok who has flying ants in the August sweep stakes? I had dyslexic badgers so not my month 🙄
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
Me: I have bad news about, Bob
Friend: Bob from work that always fakes his own death?
Me: *Drops shovel* Oh no