My boss asked me if I had a minute like he doesn’t know how busy I am here.
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How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two – one to screw it most of the way and the other to give it a surprise twist at the end.
I love getting phone calls telling me I won a prize for a contest I didn’t enter 🙄
90’s style insults need to come back.
Been itching to tell someone they need to go to the clue store to get one.
I used to think the cat was dumb for staring out the window, waiting for birds, but I’d probably stare too, if occasionally a pizza flew by.
all that yoga finally paid off
*First hour into camping with my family with no phone*
I have 2 kids?!
Hey girl, do you like bad boys? *tries to look cool by flicking my cig, but it’s an e-cig so I have to run and get it*
Whenever a serial killer is caught, I always check my follower list to make sure you’re all still there.
Friend: You’re Catholic?
Me: Yes
F: And you eat meat on Fridays?
M: I can guarantee if I’m going to hell it’s not for eating meat on Fridays
I’m getting tired of always having to slowly raise my hand every time someone angrily asks, “Who does something like that?!”
[God creating octopus]
Angel: We’re outta teeth. You gave too many to the sharks
God: Crap. What’s left?
A: ink & suction cups
G: Hmmm..
Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer. Marry your enemy. Grow old together. Watch your enemy die.
Me: Those shoes are fresh!
12: Mom. No.
Me: Don’t be whack.
This fake stomach ache feels like I’ll be leaving work early today to go to a bar to watch the Steelers game.
i handle all my disagreements like an adult
dance off pants off karaoke
Rolling your eyes is NOT a design skill.
Gaslighting myself with the lid of this Pringles tube like I’m actually capable of some restraint.
Sorry to text you so late but can your dog come over?
I just fought a child-proof container to the death.
Bars reopening but you have to wear a mask? Ugly people, this is OUR time!
Wife: You were supposed to watch the kids!
Me: I am
Wife: They’re drawing on the walls!
Me: I said I’d watch. I didn’t say I’d intervene.
Everyone knows you save the leftover wrapping pieces to make patches to cover the end of the box where the gift wrap shrank.
real
the girl behind me on this 14 hr flight has brought a UKULELE and she is PLAYING IT
Dads will wake up at 5 AM so they have more time in their day to tell everyone they woke up at 5 AM.
It’s polite to hold a door open for a woman, but no one specified by how much
Stuck in traffic but luckily few people are beeping their horns so we’ll be moving any second now.
Mary had a little lamb
with pita and tzatziki
She said “this gyro is my jam
and I’m feeling kinda sneaky.”So she slipped out
and didn’t pay.
The guy said
“I’ll be damned.”
So he called the cops.
They’re on the way.
Now Mary’s on the lam!
And this song would come on and all the white people would start having a group seizure.
Me explaining the Harlem shake to my grand kids.
Haiku is simple.
But not for my dog Buddy.
He sucks at counting.