October’s cool because you can buy 60 Snickers, 48 beers, a hockey mask, chainsaw, 30 leaf bags and the cashier won’t even acknowledge it.
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Cristina Aguilera: “You’re beautiful! No matter what they say!”
Me: “Wait, what do they say?”
Apparently showing the pharmacist a picture of my wife was not a good enough reason to get Valium without a prescription.
Sure, I’d take a bullet for you, but how does robbing an ammunition store prove my love?
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
I accidentally asked for a “large” coffee at Starbucks and some kid standing behind me swallowed his vape pen.
doctors before an x-ray be like “dont worry this is perfectly safe” and then the dude goes to egypt to press a button
“Honey the baby is crowning!”
*Lifts up hospital gown*
“Well excuse me YOUR MAJESTY!”
When you say married… Do you mean married married… or just married?
Me: Hey guys! What did Dad serve for dinner while I was gone?
My kid: (with a blue mouth) chicken nuggets and Play Doh
WEDDING SUPERSTITION: It is bad luck to get married.
Got up at 6:30am today. Did some yoga. Had a protein shake. Ran six miles. Started lying about everything.
Trump assures Abe that he supports Japan 100%!
“I mean, I saw Godzilla like, 7 times!” says Trump.
Everyone: Don’t post Endgame spoilers or I’ll kill your family.
Also everyone: Wow here’s how the latest episode of Game of Thrones ended two seconds ago!
if I had a girlfriend I’d cook a giant scallion pancake in the shape of a poncho just to keep her warm
[first day being homeless]
What thread count are these newspapers?
I turn 30 in like 4 and a half hours…
I always said I’d retire from comedy if I hadn’t “made it” by 30.
…So I’ve got like 4 hours left
Why are people scared of flying?! The Earth is a giant spaceship with no pilots. That’s way scarier.
wife: our daughter jumped off the roof?!?!?
me: she thought she could fly
wife: did you yell at her?
me: of course! I screamed “FLAP HARDER” but she didn’t listen
My 9 year old got an IPhone today and so far I’ve had 93 texts and 14 FaceTime calls from the other room just to say “Whatcha doin?”
“Can I speak to your manager please?”
“I AM the manager”
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m pretty sure based on the amount of stuffed animal surgery I’ve done, I’m a doctor now.
Me: I’ll call you when I get home so you know I’m safe
Bus driver: I really don’t care
Writing a horror book called “Chores you didn’t know existed and were supposed to be doing all along“
girl in novel: hi my older brother who is 17 years old and popular, do you want breakfast ?
her brother: yes, remember when mom died when you were 4 and our dad is an alcoholic ?
Me: Let’s go to Chipotle
Justin: Hold on. My leg is asleep
Me: *whispering* Oh, sorry. Let’s go to Chipotle
It’s hilarious to me when people say “give it the old college try”. Nowhere on earth did I try less.
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: forgetting everyone‘s name immediately after we met
Professor whatshisname: get out
[funeral]
He looks so natural.
Ya, but he looks a little stiff.
*raises from the dead*
“That’s what… *gargle* …she said.”
*dies again*
Welcome to your 40s: everyone can hear you when you stand up now.
WIFE: I thought you said you were going to the gym.
ME: [playing Pokémon Go] I’ve been to like 3 of them today. What are you talking about?