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Step outside your comfort zone to plan a play date for your kid with a parent you’ve never met before and endure an hour of small talk in 40 degree weather (because indoor play dates are too risky) only to have your kid ask “and now what?” the second they get back home.
Mehh
~Goat, sighing..
I have the financial security of a much, much younger man
I don’t know if there’s a right time for your preschooler to whisper, “are humans made out of meat?” in your ear, but I know that 3 AM is the wrong time.
The Fast and the Furious is my favourite movie about me running away after dropping a vase in an antiques store
I love making pasta when I have a ton of dirty dishes in the sink. just dump that hot water in there when you’re done, and bam! you’ve got dinner and a set of totally clean dishes!
Oh you “like women?” Cool, name three of their early works.
Next time I’m at a restaurant, I’m going to do what my cat does and yell until someone covers the empty parts of my plate with more food.
Boss: And what’s your ideal salary?
Me: Well how much does the position pay?
Boss: That depends on how much you THINK it pays
Me: What if I overestimate how much it pays?
Boss: Then we won’t hire you
Me: What if I underestimate?
Boss: Congrats! You’re our ideal candidate!
My dad is Jamaican and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.
I have to stop watching TV with my kids. I keep comparing my dates to Bluey’s dad and nobody measures up.
Steven: I love you
Stephen: I lophe you too
Me: Can I have a gin and tonic?
Them: Sir, this is an elementary school party.
Me: Fine. MAY I have a gin and tonic?
Keeping 6 ft away from me may protect you from my germs, but you’ll need to be a lot farther than that to avoid the glare from my heavily-sequined Christmas sweater.
I experienced a potato famine once; it was the longest night of my life.
Narrator: Ursula ran out of vodka.
this is ur captain. sory for descending thru another cloud but ralph told me it was posible to land on one of these things so we keep trying
[consoling widow] I was the one who put the kick me sign on your husband. I had no idea you owned a horse that can read
Pinocchio would have been a way crazier story if he were a swordfish
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: Pretty much but I have to fake some of the David Bowie parts because I’m not sure the words
Who exactly is this sign for?
Do they think we’re bringing our own geese?
I sure have purchased an inordinate amount of ringtones, for someone who keeps their phone on Silent.
My neighbor’s 2yo is on my front lawn shouting NO NO NO NO. Not sure what she’s protesting but I’m gonna go join her.
23andMe got hacked and now strangers are trying to get into my genes.
Doctor: have you been getting enough fiber?
Me: this summer I accidentally ate a fly
I went to a wildlife rehabilitation center today and none of the animals were still doing drugs. A massive success!
what if pizza rolls grew into full size pizzas when u put them in water like those dinosaur bath toys
Cop:Do you know why I pulled you over Miss?
Me:[takes a quick suck off helium balloon] No officer why?
Cop:Lol, nevermind
*after eating 5300 calories of chinese food in 1 sitting* is nausea a symptom of covid
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: I’d say listening is my biggest weakness.
[gently waking my mom] I cut my hair like He-Man’s