Challenge accepted.
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If the final comments of your speech last 45 minutes, please don’t preface them with “and lastly”.
Don’t waste your hard earned money on escape rooms when you can simply walk into an Ikea the wrong way.
how to lose 20lb
step 1: gain 40lb
I just want to be as happy as a character in the first half hour of a horror movie
I can’t wait for the day when we can place specific blame in the fine print of pharmaceutical ads like CARL YOU’RE THE REASON WE CAN’T USE THIS WHEN WE’RE DRIVING THE BULLDOZER
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat mate.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
you could tell me any fact about how dangerous animals are in australia and I’d believe you. they got vampire bees? of course they do. dogs don’t need a permit to carry a gun? I won’t even google it.
My 11 year old dumped his girlfriend because she was too “sassy.”
So I’m guessing my days are numbered.
genie: your first wish?
me: lemme get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: let me get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
*job interview*
“Where do you see yourself in five years?”
“Mirrors, puddles of water. Basically anything with a reflective surface.”
If you don’t answer your kid’s tenth “MOM!”, I will…and what I say will keep them awake for 3 days. Better ask “what?”
Today, after my mom got vaccinated, she insisted on 8 gallons of pistachio ice cream. Who’s the kid now?
To everyone who received a file from me named myjunk.jpg: I thought I was sending you a photo of my garage sale. I am so, so sorry.
Please don’t ask me what I’m doing this weekend without first making it clear whether or not you’re going to invite me to something that I’m going to have to make up a lie to get out of
I’ve discovered I own five umbrellas, if anyone wants to stage a musical number.
[romantic dinner]
her: “I was hoping it might just be the two of us.”
ventriloquist dummy: “he said I help with his confidence.”
I am 30 minutes into home schooling my 6 year old. I suggest that all school teachers are paid £1m per year from now on.
I think my husband left me. I woke up and he’s gone. He better have taken these kids.
I got a new vacuum that sucks so much, it was directed by M. Night Shamalayan
Buying a house has proven to be a lot like dating: All the really good ones aren’t even on the market and the rest are in need of a lot of repairs
Nobody will know you’re stoned if you’re always stoned
Fun fact: If Celine Dion sang only the vowels in her name, it would be the lyrics to Old McDonalds Farm.
Dear animals who hide from humans, I get it.
Tried to convince the kids helping me to make vegetable soup would be as fun as going to the playground. It did not work.
I hate it when computer games force you to make lots of difficult choices. My choices are why I’m 34 years old and playing computer games on a Monday. Clearly choices aren’t my strong point.
This staff meeting could have been a haiku.
Waitress: Here’s the check. You wanna box for that?
Customer: The rest of this sandwich? You want to fight over it here in the diner?
I don’t worry about my ex husband stealing my identity because he never even remembered my birthday
me: turns out a butterfly net can catch anything if it’s the right size
wife: is that danny devito