My stepson and his friend are driving around in my car. If he wrecks it, I have insurance. If he plays Nickelback in it, I’ll murder him.
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Hot Girl: Hey, u single?
Me: I am.
HG: Cool, can I take this extra chair?
Why hasn’t anyone marketed bottled water as nonalcoholic vodka?
Studying abroad: Spending months in another country.
Studying a broad: Spending months Facebook stalking Ashley.
What I said: No you cannot take a stuffie on your field trip today.
What my kid heard: Sure, but take one of your brother’s in case you lose it.
got my wisdom teeth removed.
surgeon just came to my house and stole my college degree, has this happened to anyone else
When you’re a twin and you gotta give someone a gift on your own birthday.
The landlord knocks, and I open the door. Surprise, surprise: in lieu of paying the rent on time, I’ve grown an enormous mustache with curly ends. He sputters in rage as I laugh. We both know that I’m the landlord now
Everybody thinks I’m wearing this barrel as some sort of old timey commentary on poverty and capitalism. But really, some dick sorcerer turned my torso into a barrel of gunpowder so I’m headed over to their house with a box of matches to make them regret it.
Apparently in my absence my husband has hung cat-level wall art. So sophisticated 🧐
[Dating in 2009]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: I’m calling the police.[Dating in 2019]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: Oh my gosh, how do you pick just one, right? Hahaha!
I’d rather babysit for five toddlers than one parrot.
The first thirteen years on Twitter are the hardest
Because of how time works, every photo is a ‘before’ photo.
Sure sex is great but have you ever turned off the news?
Cop: ‘You realize you were weaving?’
Me: ‘Technically , it’s called ‘texting’, but yes.’
Life hack: Stop looking for love in Tinder or Twitter. Try Linkedin, at least you know they’d all have a job.
My 8 year old daughter hasn’t stopped talking in 32 years
Saw an old man dancing in the street, and couldn’t help but wonder if he had finally paid off his student loan.
My 5 year old still has so much to learn. I asked him for a screwdriver and he brought me some sort of tool.
Girl: that’s a fine-tooth comb
Guy: *combing teeth* thanks
Kids often make sketchy claims that can be easily laughed off but once in awhile you find yourself doing things like checking to see whether “confuzzled” is actually a word.
Melted butter is an essential oil, right?…..right??
I picked up one of my son’s school masks and it had a horrific red mess inside and before I could even put words to my fears he said “I dropped a meatball in it.”
Could a murderer do THIS?
*lawyer points to defendant doing cool tap dance*
I remind the jury that only guilty feet have got no rhythm.
COWORKER: Hi, this is embarrassing. *whispers* can I borrow a tampon?
ME: Sure, just leave it on my desk when you’re done.
My wife and I play this adorable game where I pick a place to eat and she says no until it’s someone else’s idea.
ohhhhh my GOD I just told the dog “hey we’ll go for a walk once the baby’s awake, okay?”
and she looked at me, ran upstairs, stuck her head in the nursery, and HOWLED
What if deer stare at our headlights because they’re trying to use the force to stop the car and when one actually stops their deer squad is in the woods watching and just losing their minds over it
I answer with an automatic “Yes” each time my mom says “Oh, have I told you…?” I could miss out on something good but chances are slim.