I’m the guy that lures fragile old ladies into my windowless van at night with Werthers Originals.Then safley escort them to the bingo hall.
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If you try to teach me a lesson I will flunk on purpose, how dare you
Years ago I tried on my sister’s bra, couldn’t undo the clasp & was too embarrassed to ask for help. I’m still wearing it. I live in shame.
My 4yo: Let’s play a game!
Me: Is it you throw toys around the house and I pick them up?
4: No. Yes.
My neighbor’s 13-month old only has four teeth. She’s way too young to being doing that much meth.
Twitter should disable deleting tweets and add a regret button instead.
Nothing like accidentally setting fire to your hair at work to make you feel alive
[date]
HER: So do you like Star Wars?
ME: Oh yeah
HER: Who’s your favorite character?
ME: *nervously looking at smudged notes* Yoga
[commercial for evaporated milk]
IS YOUR MILK TOO WET?
Polyamorous: in a relationship with more than one partner
Monopoly-amorous: plays board games with more than one group of friends
guy: what should we call our ritual for contacting the dead
shawn: a shawnce
sean: I have a better idea
Don’t let the door hit you on the way out!
*guy looks back and laughs, the door punches him in the back of the head*
If my kids ask, the monster under the bed can only find you if you didn’t brush your teeth
Them: hey, you coming for drinks after work?
Me:…
Every time I go swimming I instantly get hungry.
*puts foot in pool*
*eats a taco*
*puts other foot in pool*
*eats another taco*
interviewer: we like to think of ourselves as a family. we like to have fun.
me: well, which is it?
Once kids are awake my usage of the word “don’t” goes up 2000%
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
Day 30 on the desert island. Out of food. There’s no other option, I’m going to have to talk to the other survivors
philosophy professor: you must question everything
[later]
me: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have you been doing all day, you piece of shit
Friend: Our backstories shape us, but don’t define us
Me: Like Spanx
Me: I’m interested in your doggy daycare program for my puppy.
Clerk: Okay. It’s $45 for a full day, and they get to just play and sleep and eat treats and hang out with other puppies.
Me: Can…can I join, too?
I get that the mirror in my therapist’s office is symbolic for self-reflection.
But why is it on the ceiling?
And why is his couch a water bed?
angel: you died
me: oh no
angel: but at least you lived a good life
me:
angel: helped others
me:
angel: did all u could
me:
angel: *checking clipboard* I’ve got the wrong notes, haven’t I
me: I didn’t wanna interrupt
BREAKING: Pot calls kettle “black”. “Racial tension at boiling point” says mayor of kitchen cupboard
My toliet has a lifetime guarantee! I never have to buy another one. When I die, my kid will inherit the throne. It’ll be like Shakespeare!
robber: me n Lenny will handle this job tonight, obviously you’re gonna be lookout again…sorry Joe
giraffe: this is bullshit Steve
*climbs Mt. Everest hoping to find clarity, PEACE & a deeper understanding of myself & the world*
“When did they put a Starbucks up here?”
Walk slow and never assume the automatic door will open.
What do Kermit the Frog, John the Baptist, and Vlad the Impaler have in common?
Same middle name.
I became a Veterinary Assistant because I’m always covered in dog hair and wear pajamas all day anyway