[starts noticing lots of famous people are younger than I am]
Me: oh no
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If I had a jet pack I would look AWESOME dying within the first 2 minutes of having a jet pack.
NOBODY:
AMERICAN: *deep fries a hippo*
Wife: Why are you so out of breath? You drove here.
Me: Yeah but I was listening to Slayer in the car.
Me: Shut the door, I need privacy
4y/o: But we’re family!
Me: Families don’t watch each other go poop
4:You watch me poop!
Me:…take a seat
Him: What’re you eating?
Me: All of it.
WIFE: I want a new baby monitor for Christmas
ME: k
[Christmas morning]
WIFE: um
PRESENT UNDER TREE: *hisses and rustles*
ME: you should open that one first
Pilot: Plane’s too heavy, must shed 5 passengers!
Co-Pilot: A deserted island’s below us…
*lock eyes* We have to MAROON 5!
*plane implodes
me: what do you want from me
wife: a divorce
me: i meant for christmas
“I’m quitting Twitter forever!”
This isn’t Twitter International Airport. You don’t need to announce your departure.
The 4 year old thinks a cat’s tail is it’s underwear because it covers the butthole. I can’t really argue with that logic.
My wife looks like the cats in those cucumber videos when she turns around & sees me naked.
Green is just blue that someone peed in
My mother always cooked with wine
while I was growing up back home.Occasionally she would even add
some to whatever she was cooking.
Who exactly is this sign for?
Do they think we’re bringing our own geese?
(filming reality TV show)
him: we’re out here looking for Bigfoot
me: so a guy with just one foot?
him: no, an ape-type creature
me: gotcha. a big hairy guy. with one foot
him: he has 2 feet
me: why isn’t he called BigFeet then?
him: get out
I’m not saying I want a divorce, it’s just that sometimes 50% custody sounds pretty appealing.
I don’t think my wife realizes that the FREE SEX coupons I gave her last Valentine’s Day are about to expire.
6: I like your necklace
Me: Thank you
6: When you die me and my sisters get your jewelry, right
Me: Not if I disown you first
“So we kill a tree”
Ok
“And put it inside our house”
Nice
“Then we hang up some socks”
I’m with ya
“And then we drink egg milk punch”
What
Me: Age is just a number
My body: And today you’re 85 lol
Me: The other day I saw a bottle of wine in my fridge and pet it like it was a dog because I was so happy to see it…wait what was your question?
Them: I asked how being a mom of three boys was going, but I have my answer.
My daughter has decided to teach our kitten to laugh.
I may have over sold the “you can do anything you set your mind to” narrative.
[bleeding out]
ER Doctor: do you know your blood type?
ME: I’ve never really thought about it TBH. As long as it has a good personality
“Wanna go camping?” “No thanks, I have a house.”
A cop pulled me over and said ‘papers’ I said ‘scissors’ and drove off. I win.
[before calculus was invented]
me: I understand everything
My wife asked me to bring her home a dozen Roses, and I really hope she appreciates the gesture, because it took 9 hours, 5 nursing homes, and 2 church bingo games to collect them all.
you got a fast car
I got a plan to jump in front of it
Me singing: Then I saw her face!! Now I’m a Beliber! Not a trace of doubt in my mind!
Roommate: You DO know that’s a guy…right?