*accidentally leaving the house without headphones* oH NO NOW PEOPLE CAN SEE ME
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If I was stuck on a desert island with only one record, I would want it to be the record for being able to swim the farthest.
I don’t think “House” was the right name for that Hugh Laurie show. Based on what I saw, it should have been called “Hospital”
An air mattress is great when you want to sleep on the floor but not right away.
ME: Ed is coming over
WIFE: Ed who always talks about marathons or Ed who just blurts out country names?
ED: Iran
ME: I’m not sure
[hospital burn unit]
doctor: your father will die soon unless one of you can be a tissue donor
me: *pulling used kleenex from my pockets* how many
Quit my job a few years ago because my boss was an idiot. Now I’m self-employed. My boss is still an idiot.
Noah was an idiot.
People accuse me of never giving a damn about anyone but myself, but I distinctly remember saying ‘bless you’ when someone sneezed last year
Pro tip: fake having telekinesis powers by throwing stuff at people as soon as they’re not looking
My daughter said she wants to run away. We talked. She knows she can walk. I wont chase her.
Two glasses of wine and ordering online groceries is essentially clubbing and the bouncer is whether or not I know my credit card expiration date without standing up
Not saying you’re shady but there is a family of squirrels gathered around your ankles.
Quick observation about the passage of time.
I’m 44. Born in 1980.
1985 to 1995 didn’t feel that different.
1995 to 2005 didn’t feel that different.
2005 to 2015 didn’t feel that different.
2015 to 2024 feels like a different universe.
The Tortoise and the Hare is a classic story about how people who like to run are awful.
Getting ready for school this morning:
Me: “Ok buddy, if you get hot at school, what are you going to do?”
5yo (thinking): “Oh I know! UNBUTTON MY PANTS!”
Me: “……..no.”
Missed connection: She wanted classy and I thought she said gassy…
Alright…who left me unsupervised again?
A newborn giant panda is about the size of a stick of butter.
And just as delicious.
I told my 5yo to brush her teeth so she doesn’t get cavities and she responded with, “so what they’re gonna fall out anyways.” I had no comeback to this.
Ghosts will turn lights on and off, open and close doors, move objects, but never once have they ever turned on a treadmill and I think that’s very telling.
Thanks for the push notification, Siri – that’s exactly what I needed in that moment 🫠
[lights 2016 calendar on fire]
There. Now you can’t hurt anyone any longer.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
People who tuck their shirts into sweatpants…are you okay?
“Better out than in,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Terrible heart surgeon.
Person: Aw! How old is your dog?
Me: (whispering) I don’t know. (Covers dog’s ears) She’s adopted.
This train was so long I had time to file my nails and my taxes.
Her: you look better without your glasses
Me: oh thanks! You look better without my glasses too!
I haven’t cleaned my shower in so long, it’s becoming a terrarium. Absolutely gorgeous.
It only looks like my kids are having popsicles for breakfast, Brenda, those are clearly frozen smoothies