Nothing like a nice refreshing shower to make you sweat relentlessly for at least an hour
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me: what do we say if a stranger tries to give us candy?
5:
me:
5: we say thank you
Me: *rubs broom back & forth in front of kid gliding in heelys
Friend: pls stop curling children
just got an 8 min standing ovation for not asking any questions during a movie.
[giving commencement address at graduation]
“My fellow graduates, the best life advice I have is: if you don’t already know how many calories are in a tortilla, never look it up”
Today I tended my livestock (took the dog to the groomers), rescued wildlife (a turtle in the road), worked to put bread on the table (wrote shit copy for stupid clients), and then tilled my fields (spread mulch). Not braggin’, but I think I would have made a great pioneer wife.
I’m no expert guys but with the amount I trip and fall off things… trust me i’d know if the Earth was flat
Dammit, I forgot which one I left my key under.
I think what finally pushes me over the edge will be the weapons-grade tweeness of one of those ‘[Verb] your [adjective]’ advertising slogans. ‘Find my amazing’? I’m afraid you’ve just made my deranged.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
My grandfather built the house I live in. So when I cut the grass, I’m doing the same lawn I have been doing since I was 10. Only back then I got $5 for doing it. Now I don’t.
This is bullshit.
me: i’ll have a steak
waiter: sir this is a vegan restaurant
me: oh
waiter:
me: ok i’ll have a vegan
me: do you have spaghetti?
mcdonalds cashier: …no
me: would you like some?
TV and movies would have you believe that there are way more people crawling around in ventilation ducts than there actually are.
7: [from bed] MOM!
Me: YES?
7: *mumbling
Me: WHAT?
7: *mumbling
Me: HUH?
7: *mumbling
Me: *pauses movie*
7: WHAT DOES LIGHTNING TASTE LIKE?
GOD: *invents mouse* I like it
MOUSE: Yes this is “mousestanding” work haha
GOD: *invents cat*
When I go to Burger King, I like to get a Whopper and a Whopper jr. then make the Whopper watch as I eat the Whopper jr.
My dream guy is hot, funny and smart. And he’ll ask me to marry him with a green lantern ring. And he has powers. And a castle. And Yoshi.
Relationship status:
My neighbour/girlfriend was kidnapped but she’s ok now, I was caught.
Boss: I’m sorry Howard but we are going to have to let you go.
Howard: What? Why? Oh, is this because I was late? I called you and told that I got a flat tire on the way to work, I even texted you a picture.
Boss: No Howard, it’s because you stabbed Kevin in the parking lot.
There’s a crying baby on my bus and I’m all “shut up baby, you’re not the one going to work.”
Why are women starting to turn their homes into yoga studios?
So they can be namaste at home moms.
You can’t scare me, you’re not getting my kids ready for school all by myself
Before company arrives we like to clean our house so there’s no evidence that we live like circus monkeys the other 364 days of the year!
Me: *takes 20 min to get wrapped up in blankets and finally get comfy on the couch in front of the heater*
Also me: *I gotta pee*
My birth announcement for our third baby
can we get some a.i. to pick plastic out of the ocean or do all the robots need to be screenwriters?
Cheers Twitter.
A white American told me I shouldn’t call myself “British” because brown people aren’t native to Britain.
A white American
White. American.