[me on a ledge]
COP: (through megaphone) WE’VE CALLED SOMEONE WHO CAN HELP!
*Kris Kross steps out of a police van*
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My kids have started removing one letter of bad words, so they can call each other names and not get in trouble.
So, I’ve decided to add one digit to the wifi password until they can be nice to each other.
Your move itches
“What’s your name?”
“Sharky.”
“Is that your real name?”
“Does it matter?”
“I guess not.”
*hands me my order*
Me: I refuse to believe that year 2004 was 30 years ago
Them: it wasn’t
Me: that’s what I just said
me folding laundry: ugh another sock is missing
puppet on my hand: how does that keep happening
Unexpected Judgment
THERAPIST: your problem is, that youre perfect, and everyone is jealous of your good posts, and that makes you rightfully upset.
ME: I agree
agent, on phone: my clients have decided to accept your third offer
me: it’s off the table
agent: {muffled} ..what about the second
me: also off the table
agent: {muffled} ..ok fine, they’ll take first then
me: hold on, let me get my cat out of here
[the cops release the cadaver sniffing dogs into my living room for the third time this week]
ME: *pauses netflix* I told you I’m not dead!
There was a fire at the Yankee Candle store. 8 killed. 19 injured. 1200 soothed.
My son doesn’t always throw up, but when he does, he’s already in bed.
The best thing about parenting babies and toddlers is that you can dress them up as like, a croissant for Halloween, they don’t give a shit.
A spider crawled out of the head of broccoli I was washing and that’s what I get for not ordering pizza
Pro Tip: don’t fall asleep during the middle of an argument with your spouse over whether or not you pay attention to her.
I like to go hiking and by hiking I mean I like to stand in the woods while a moody soundtrack plays in my head and pretend I am a vengeful forest spirit
I got fired from the church nursery for racing the babies.
Professor X: Being literal is not a superpower
Guy: But-
Wolverine: Look man, just take the L and leave
Guy: *Drives away*
Woverine: Oh no you didnt!
My wife says I’ve placed unreasonable expectations on our kids, but I think Superman and Wolverine will turn out just fine.
My kids are always accusing me of having a favorite child which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them
God invented co-workers to remind us that dying alone wouldn’t be such a bad thing.
[At supermarket]
“Excuse me do you work here?”
WHAT? ME? Work HERE? Hell no. I went to college. I don’t have a job
How was I supposed to know unleashing 342 cats in a club would turn to bone-chilling horror the instant the disco balls started up?
I’m about to get my 5yo her own phone just so she’ll stop screwing up my YouTube algorithm
Why are dirty words only four letters. There should be at least one 19-letter word that’s so filthy you get grounded for a month.
a depressed king of the sea is called a posighdon tell your friends.
BEYOND burger!
IMPOSSIBLE burger!
UNFEASIBLE burger!
LITERALLY UNFATHOMABLE burger!
burger THAT SHOULD NOT BE!
AFFRONT TO GOD AND CREATION burger!
[graduation]
…and I owe it all to my mom, and my late dad *sheds tear*
[crowd cries]
*dad walks in holding starbucks*
“traffic, my bad”
ME: *throwing up gang signs*
FRIEND: Dude, how many did you eat?
ME: *taking a massive hit of universal healthcare*
DAD: *pounding on the door* what are you kids doing in there?
ME:
DAD: Are you doing socialism in there? Open this door right now
gentlemen, we are gathered here today by my milkshake.
Conjunctivitis implies the existence of projunctivitis.