My girlfriend said, “Is there basketball on?” then put on the game and walked away. Two hours later, I’m like what is she doing? She’s napping. She turned it on to keep me occupied like a toddler.
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‘…um….’
– the first cow ever milked
What if we joined gangs based on our favorite pasta shape?
I AM THE MAN OF THIS HOUSE AND WHAT I SAY GOES in one ear and out the other.
Apparently all my new nephew wants to do is eat and sleep…which means he’s already a lot like me.
Me <in a meeting, whispers>: I don’t really like Gary.
Gary: I’m Gary.
Me: I know.
judge: how do you plead
me: no further questions your honor
skippin the intro of a game and then realizin you have no idea what the objectives are just walking round aimlessly hoping something pops up
[Bedroom at midnight]
*scary noises*
Husband: is… is someone in here?
*demonic sounds from the closet*
Husband: honey, are you trying on those jeans again? I told you they don’t fit anymore
*sad demonic noises*
You know what would make my cubicle super cute? Fire.
2016 took so many beautiful, talented men I’ve loved my entire life. Seems unfair that I still have to dodge my ex at the grocery store.
Friend teaching me how to flirt: You have to lick your lips just a little, make it look sexy.
Me: Like this?
Friend: No, not like that
Me: How about now?
Friend: Please stop
Me:
4 thinks the lead singer of Queen was Freddie Macaroni and he won’t be taking any further questions on this
eighth henchman to go after jackie chan: ok well he’s not going to kick EIGHT of us
why do guys only hit me up at 11pm? I’m still hot at 4pm you idiots (and probably more awake)
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself.
Plugging your phone into your work computer: “Would you like this device to access your photos?”
No! Abort! Abort!!
therapist: and what do we do when we are sad?
me: add to cart
therapist: no
I never feel greater anxiety than the anxiety I feel when I watch people leaving a Marvel movie during the credits.
Drugs CAN make your life
miserable but if you wanna
leave no room for error,
try a Marriage Certificate.
[Arranging a date]
Her: OK how does 4 o’clock sound?
Him: [Through megaphone] DONG DONG DONG DONG
I’m at the Olympics, getting drunk. It’s great fun, but the American girls here sure don’t look like they do on twitter..
Girl, are you a glass of water because I think you’re about to throw yourself at me.
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
Nurse: strip down to your underpants
Me: ok *removes pants to reveal second pair of pants*
8 out of 24 Americans cannot reduce a fraction.
Simon: I wrote a song
Garfunkel: *reads lyrics*
Garfunkel: “I am a rock. I am an island” dude I’m like right here. I thought we were friends
I don’t trust any bank that isn’t shaped like a pig.
Hey girl are you a new high efficiency dishwasher because you’re so quiet it’s hard to tell if you’re turned on
Me: your honor, my client is criminally insane
Judge: you’re representing yourself
An 800 number calls me
ME: UGHHH!
The 800 number immediately hangs up
ME: (sad) hey