I’m not above army crawling down an aisle at the grocery store to avoid small talk with an acquaintance.
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Sooo romantic. He said I’m a work of art.
Or a piece of work. Something like that.
My new years resolution is to stop biting my toenails. Nervous habit I picked up during all these meetings at work.
Be nice to your family. They get to pick the picture that will be in your obituary.
I avoid clarified butter because I prefer my dairy products to be troubled and confused.
Drunk me tried to tear up all your photos and sober me had to buy a new phone screen.
Gollum had a pretty sweet setup for a while. Cave where no one bothers him. Cool item to look at in his cave
Me: Get the tires rotated?? Don’t they rotate enough while the car is moving?
Mechanic: Omg you’re right! What a scam. I truly apologize.
8yo asked y we had an analog clock on the wall but I didn’t know what analog meant so I panicked & told her time was an illusion
I NEED TO GET BACK TO THE OLD ME WHEN I HAD MY SHIT TOGETHER. I THINK I WAS 7.
Going viral on X is like winning a lotto during the apocalypse
I have to go stand in line at Gamestop now because I had a careless night of unprotected sex 13 years ago and Halo 5 is out today.
I know Taco Bell doesn’t have “I hate myself” sauce yet. But they should. They should.
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
[At Vision Center]
Receptionist: Which Doctor would you like to see?
Me: I’d like to be able to see all of them. That’s why I’m here.
Always remember, if you ever need me, I’m just several phone calls and unread texts away.
I always have an elaborate flow chart on hand in case people ask me “What’s the worst that can happen?”
Uglier.
Angel: But, sir…
I SAID UGLIER!
– God inventing cycling outfits.
Man Derives Depressing Amount Of Pride From Hometown Burger Chain
my kidney: can you stop with the alcohol?
my heart: yes and also start eating better?
my brian: do whta yuo liek.
me: love you, brian.
they should make stand up horror. i’m tired of laughing, i wanna scream at a bar
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Your options are a pound of salty meat or 900g of sugar
Marriage, when you drink as much as possible before your husband gets home so you can just drink 1 glass of wine in front of him.
To all of you Single Guys here on Twitter…
Don’t forget to buy your Wife something on Valentine’s Day.
Be the reason someone gets out of bed in the morning, even if it is just to make sure the door is locked.
ME: I don’t want to die, but I’m not 100% certain that I wanna be alive, either. I just wish there was a third option.
BEARS: What if I told you that you could nap straight through part of the year?
If anyone deserves an Oscar, it’s me for nodding and pretending to understand the directions you’re explaining to me when I know I’m going to use Google Maps regardless
Teenage Mutant Ninja Wordle
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟦⬛🟦⬛🟦🟦
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟩⬛⬛⬛🟩
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
People are always terrified of child birth, but they should be scared of the 18 years that follow. Those have to be done without pain meds.🥴
Gangs should do drive-bys with t-shirt guns it’d be less violent & the shirt could say “you suck” so the target still gets the message