School district says no pajamas for online classes
What are you gonna do, send them home?
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There is no faster mammal on the planet than the parent of a toddler carrying a Sharpie.
Me: So, other than the slow start, not engaging with the readers, a meandering plot, an absence of a POV, and wooden dialogue, you think it’ll be a best seller?
Editor: No, that’s not what I’m saying.
Why be content with those 3 little words when you can have 6.
“Your parcel is out for delivery.”
My neighbor thought she saw me doing yoga in the driveway, but actually I was just checking the mail on ice.
I am not the person I thought I was when I cut that donut in half.
Pretty sure my bicycle has been drinking. All the way home it was swerving around and trying to throw me. I left it in someone’s hedge to teach it a lesson.
Friend: I got an audition for the play that cannot be named
Me: *Nodding* Fight Club
I just spent a ridiculous amount of time trying to spell Wednesday, so I canceled the event.
Hey, don’t blame me for all of the craziness in this world. I was raised by a green frog named Kermit, a diva pig named Ms. Piggy, and a brown bear named Fozzie who was totally wacka, wacka, wacka.
TV is so unrealistic. Friends drop by unannounced and people are happy to see them
Self-knowledge is a purple vegetable. Beetroot yourself.
I’m jealous of Eminem because my mom never made me spaghetti
Sorry random child at the playground that my daughter just invited to her birthday party 4 months from now. It’s never going to happen.
[First date after divorce]
Me: I’m gonna need to see your medical records.
My 13-year-old was quietly giggling as I opened my phone, and I realized he had changed the settings so the text is significantly bigger. Not sure if I’m more annoyed that he took a jab at me for being old, or that I can actually see a lot better now.
Mark Zuckerberg looks like he is secretly struggling to refrain from licking his own eyeball with his tongue.
blessings are like coconuts
sometimes you get bonked on the head outta no where, like “what to heck is this furry bonk ball?! I hate it!”
but eventually you learn you can put a tiny umbrella, some rum and a krazy straw in there. now furry bonk ball is friend
Girlfriend Parents: so how did you meet our daughter?
Me: we met at a nickelback conc-
Gf: [covers my mouth] we met on tinder
Drove over 3 curbs today (personal best).
My wife says I’m addicted to generalizations but isn’t everyone some kind of addict?
E-thugs. Because talking shit in person is dangerous.
I’m a dad so I love talking about meat rubs but I’m also a 14yo so I giggle inside when I do.
When the cleaning lady say’s “Have a good night”, I try to time it so we say it in unison. Then I say our “You too” response in harmony.
Gigaflops sounds like a replay of my life
My “life hack,” channel on YouTube is super popular but it’s just me ordering my assistant to make a meal, clean the clothes, scale a building using only twine. Put a mastiff face on the cheetah in the CRISPR lab, steal a kidney in a car, not a hotel room…. Pretty mundane.
Hate it when I yawn and the soul of the ageless demon nestled within my heart screams shrilly, audible to the town down in the valley, causing villagers to quake in fear and begin preparing another sacrifice.
Terrify your parents by answering your cellphone.
All the Christmas gifts I wrap look like they were done by a drunk elf with a tape fetish.
hey we’re calling off the search party. we found a different guy out there we like more
A surprise party on someone’s birthday isn’t surprising. A better time would be 3-4 months after their birthday, in the middle of the night.