Her: Sorry I’m late to work. I was talking to my husband and he wouldn’t stop listening.
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“Are you working right now? Where are you working?”
Facebook is worse than my parents.
Friend: *crying* I’ve been to Hell and back.
Me: *hugging her* Did you bring me a souvenir?
Getting older means talking to less people and complaining about more people.
[Sunday morning]
*congregation of Catholics disagrees with priest and walks out of church*
– mass unfollowing
I just know Amazon drivers be like.. THIS HOUSE AGAIN ???
*throws $100 bill into a wishing well* I wish I was good with money
It’s called a sports bra bc the actual sport is trying to get it off oneself after a hard workout.
I’m going spiraling, do you need anything?
Me: Jesus, are these… are these claw marks in the sand?
Jesus: I put you on the back of an emu lololololol
me: hey dad will you pass the turkey
dad: *pats belly* I sure hope so son
Twister 2:
Climate change makes tornadoes evolve.
They work together.
We can’t beat them.
We team up instead
The twisters destroy ISIS.
ME: Thanks for seeing me. Whenever I asked my father for help with these issues he’d just ask me if I tried sucking less.
THERAPIST: That’s horrible.
ME: Yeah.
THERAPIST:
ME:
THERAPIST: Have— *clears throat* have you tried that though?
They were testing a machine that calculates your age based on your reflexes. Turns out I am 140 years old.
SCROOGE: Oh great spirit…why are we at the Olive Garden?
GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PASTA: These guys have endless breadsticks
The Backseat Boys
Sorry I can’t come to your thing tonight, I’m too busy figuring out an excuse about why I can’t come to your thing next week
Me: Now THIS is a housewarming party! Am I right or what? High five!
Firefighter:
“Where can I find the paper towels?”
“Who’s asking?”
[looks over neighbour’s fence while he’s in the pool]
“Dude, we get it. You can hold your breath for [looks at watch] 19 days.”
(Treehouse)
Me: *picks up empty tin can, places it to ear*
Voice at other end: Hello we’re conducting a quick survey.
If you watch Footloose during the pandemic, the minister who tells everyone not to dance is now the hero.
When I go grocery shopping I start with the heavy stuff: bags of dog food, gallons of water. This increases your cart’s ramming power if things start to get ugly in the soup aisle.
Jesus died for our sins.
But then he came back to life.
Pretty sure that breaks the deal.
GUY: *busts in bleeding* i owe money to some bad dudes you gotta help me
ME: *proudly reaches down and pulls the pennies out of my loafers* you’ve come to the right place
Me: ‘Goodnight.’
Brain: ‘Where shall we begin?’
I don’t think my blind date was blind, she read the menu and caught the basketball I threw at her
Cop: *kicks door open* it’s time to take out the trash
Cop’s wife: stop kicking the door
“May your old acquaintances be forgotten and never brought to mind.”
-Sir Smirnoff
When the doctor asks about my sex life.