Me: I’m having a bad day!
Brain: You should buy those $300 headphones so you feel better.
Me: You’re making a lot of sense right now.
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Unsolved mysteries, cat edition
Kids will be like, “How was I suppose to know it would spill?”
– my son chasing his sisters around our living room with an open container of fake blood.
[Xmas morning]
wife: Honey, is this a dolphin? We agreed no dolphins.
“dolphin-shaped gift flopping wildly under tree*
me: JUST OPEN IT
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
Dog:
Me:
Dog:
Me:
Dog: *spits out pill*
Me: DAMMIT!
[first day at mcdonalds]
guy: can i get a large fry
me: you mean like a potato
It’s scary what’s happening. People who, only 5 years ago, were 25 or 27 at most, are now 30 and in some cases even 33 years old
Anyone with really healthy kidneys interested in a tweet up?
Cleanliness is next to Godliness because this is a small library.
The ouija board message was “if you’re reading this, I’m already dead”.
What do you mean “yogurt flavored”?! Yogurt is the stuff we have to add flavor to.
I once confused a tube of superglue with a tube of lube.
It was horrible.
My model plane kept slipping apart
Me (standing on top of my kitchen island): I CANT SWIM!!!!
I ate a kid’s meal today at McDonald’s.
His mom got really mad.
me: i wanna see how high this cliff is
Charles Darwin: ok, go ahead
me: ill jump off and you count how long im in the air
Charles Darwin: wait but that could ki-
me: what
Charles Darwin:
me: that could what Charles
I will never own a smart watch. I have enough things telling me what to do.
*cracking knuckles, sharpening ax, loading 12-gauge*
Alright, it’s time to recite some poetry
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t reference any other achievements?
STOP RUNNING IN THE HOUSE!
I said STOP RUNNING!
STOP RUNN..
YOU BETTER RUN YOU LITTLE SHIT!
The only reason I’ve been going out with this guy all summer is because I have no idea how to operate my gas grill.
My wife is great at multitasking. She can be mad at me for five different things at the same time.
I’m my own worst enemy. And the enemy of my enemy is my friend. So I’m also my best friend
most cutting thing you can say is “who’s this clown?” because it implies they’re a) a clown & b) not even one of the better-known clowns
You think you’ve brought your kids up right and then you find the toothpaste tube squeezed in the middle.
[first day on wind farm]
me: *placing bucket under turbine* what do I squeeze
was reading about defunct airlines again and i can’t believe they named it this
Follow these tips for a happy Thanksgiving. Printable version available on FB:
like my toaster, i too spend a lot of time in my kitchen making sudden movements and burning things.