Me: Bless me Father, for I have sinned.
Padre: What is your sin, my child?
Me: Twitter.
Padre: Wow, if I had a nickel for every time . . .
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Me to my children: I would kill and die for you
Also me to my children: I AM NOT YOUR DAMN MAID AND WILL BURN ALL THE SHIT ON YOUR BEDROOM FLOORS IN A MASSIVE BONFIRE AND DANCE AROUND THE FLAMES IN GLORY AND RAGE
Me: Honey if you ever murder me please do it in a cool way so we get our own Dateline special
Husband: Deal
Doc Brown: “Roads? Where we’re going, we don’t need roads”
Me working from home: “Pants? Where we’re going, we don’t need pants”
RIP Medusa you would’ve hated selfies.
“You’re not like the other girls.”
“Yeah, that’s pretty much how this works. We’re literally all different ones.”
[zombie apocalypse]
GUY: It’s not safe here let’s head north.
ME: No, let’s go down to the sewers.
GUY: What’s in the sewers?
ME: [thinking about ninja turtles] Protection.
If someone is jogging at 7am on a Sunday – it’s because they’ve just killed someone right?
My debit card got stolen at the gym which is fine because i will still continue to go so that I can train to fight the person who stole it
Today, I’ve been cleaning. And by cleaning I mean drinking wine and spraying everything with Febreze.
As an aging millennial you may recognize me from popular hits such as, ‘I need to pencil in my eyebrows’ and ‘Omg this grocery store is playing my jams’
If you eat a pot brownie and a Ken doll, you’ll poop a Matthew McConaughey.
That moment when you mom says she was a virgin, but then 3 random dudes show up on your birthday with gifts.
there should be a three day weekend: one day to do Nothing, one day to do Something, and one day to do Laundry
interviewer: why do you want this job?
me: i’m a job guy. love jobs
ME (working in a bank): Ugh I am so tired today
ROBBER: EVERYONE ON THE GROUND & DO NOT MOVE
ME [blowing up neck pillow] I could kiss you
No, he would not have.
I think the problem is that I’m 20% stud and 80% muffin.
I don’t want a Ghostbusters sequel about the grandchildren of the Ghostbusters. I want a Ghostbusters prequel about Slimer when he was alive.
Hangman is a lovely childhood game where you slowly draw a man killing himself if another kid can’t read your mind.
“I’m sorry. I haven’t had sex for a very long time.” — and other things I say during the meeting to excuse my bad behavior.
nasa employee: oh hey u guys are back early
astronaut: moon’s haunted
nasa employee: what?
astronaut: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s haunted
Getting my hair done Monday.
Good news for the kids who scream “WITCH” as they pass by my house, bad news for the birds that live in it.
Writers should get a direct line to the FBI so we can call them and give them a heads up when we’re googling ways to poison someone but just for a story.
“I’m just playing Powerball for fun. I don’t expect to win”.
-me as I slowly pull out my dark magic spell book
I’ve been watching a lot of tiktok lately and y’all need to stop marrying people who look just like you do but with a wig on.
finally caved and watched tiger king. shit is bananas. the uncle killed the dad while the kid watched, then the kid ran away and hung out with a warthog and a meerkat for years? then he hallucinated his dad talking to him from the sky? weird
On the 5th day, god was hungover & didn’t feel up to much so he created worms, shoelaces & spaghetti, then punched out just after 1pm.
Cicadas will full on dominate a conversation and then leave you on read for 17 years.