Gun people are always like “you can pry it out of my cold dead hands”
Why are you dead in your own story, must not be a very good gun
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My dad went from “no man is good enough for my little girl” to “would you just pick one already? Jobs aren’t even that important” real quick
Magneto: Never trust a beautiful woman, especially one who seems interested in you.
Me: *on the couch eating Ruffles in sweatpants* Yeah.
Difference between Jenna Jameson & Mitt Romney? One does disgusting, amoral things for money; one’s a porn star.
I’m going to a dinner tonight for my husband’s work and he said, “Tonight I need you to be charming and funny and do not tweet about this.”
0 for 3 so far.
Pigeons are the dandelions of the animal kingdom: unappreciated, plentiful, and when you give a bouquet of them to ur mom she won’t like it
My favorite genre of meme is people unknowingly kidnapping coyotes
I keep an extra stash of tampons in my purse to launch at blowhards who punctuate the end of their sentence with the word, “Period!”
Sorry I yelled “…just killed a man” when your baby called “Mama…”
When people come into my office and complain, I’ve started gently pushing things off my desk while maintaining eye contact. You’d be amazed at how much shorter the conversations are.
I brought a load of laundry into the living room to fold, and my husband said, “You do this every day. I’m onto you. You just want to take a break.” So, anyway, in lieu of flowers please make a donation to the charity of your choice.
I suffer from paranoia and procrastination. Everyone is out to get me, just not right now
I was about to confront my husband about the strange blonde hairs I found in our house until I realised my kid’s werewolf Halloween mask was moulting.
You smell amazing. Like a hotdog.
– Me, flirting.
I tend not to use punctuation so much because I figure we’re all adults here and I trust you to know when to breathe
How to make her squirt: make sure she is a lime
Psychiatrist: “Maybe you should be seeing a therapist.”
Me: “You sure like spending my money, don’t you?”
I never related to movies as a kid. Like in Home Alone when Kevin says to his Mother “I am upstairs you dummy” I couldn’t understand how he was still alive after that.
“just sayin” who asked you though?
If you could only see yourself through my eyes, then you’d see how blurry you really are.
When the party host collects everyone’s coats and throws them on their bed, I just stay in mine and take a nap among the jackets.
Is there a way I can filter out all work emails except the ones telling me there are donuts or cake in the office?
No I’m not drunk driving
My kids just keep demanding I LOOK
A friend wants us to do something tonight and I asked her to name 5 things so I could say no to 4 of them.
Theres a new machine at the gym. I only used it for 1 hr because I started to feel sick but its awesome! Its got Skittles, M&M’s…everything!
Me: *my toddler might eat this healthy food if he can dip it in ketchup*
Toddler: *eats the ketchup by itself*
N = Someone
O = Doesn’t
P = Understand
E = Acronyms
Baby monitors are pointless because most babies simply stop doing illegal shit as soon as they realize you’ve got their room bugged.
ME: I’m single and ready to Pringle.
CASHIER: I have never seen somebody buy that many tubes.
When my burger was ready, the clerk called out “867?”
I yelled back 5309.
No one laughed.
I am old.