Why do we say “say it don’t spray it” and not “stop talking spit”?
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Please continue finishing your text in the crosswalk, Mr. Pedestrian. It’s not like I’m driving a giant metal instrument of death.
Couples therapist: what scares you the most?
Wife: that we slowly lose respect for each other
Me: when the washing machine goes really fast
therapist: and what motivation will we use ?
me: hate fueled spite ?
therapist: no
I don’t wanna party like it’s 1999, I want to pay my bills like it’s 1999
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s most likely where you left your car.
*takes the high road
*gets a DUI
“Dad! Mom wants to trade with me in Monopoly! I need you to help me negotiate a good deal!”
– My 11yo, about to find out the hard way that the only thing I can negotiate with my wife in Monopoly is my own quick demise
I had the car up on the jack loosening the lug nuts, neighbor says you’re going to kill yourself here let me show you, and that’s how you get someone to change a tire for you.
Piers Morgan has taken a very strong stance against guns, and who can blame him?
If you had a gun, you’d shoot him too.
When my Internet is down for more than 2 minutes, I assume Western civilization has collapsed so I start looting.
My brain when I’m up late googling rare & incurable genetic diseases:
yes yes yesyes
yesyes yes yes yes
yes yes yes yes yes
yes yesyes yes yes
yes yesye yes yes
yes yes yesyes
my physical therapist told me I should be using a foam roller “or a wine bottle, since I know you have one of those at home”
If by yoga you mean reaching the outlet to plug in my charger without getting out of bed, then yes, I do yoga
I HAVE FINALLY MET MY DREAM MAN
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
I couldn’t afford an Ancestry DNA kit, so I announced that I won the lottery. I soon found out who my relatives are.
Life hack: If you throw an old toilet and some spare tires in your front lawn, legally you don’t have to mow it
He threw his hands in the air.
And he waved em like he just didn’t care.
In hindsight, he was the worst airplane runway guide we ever hired.
If we weren’t able to stop Bieber Fever I seriously doubt America can stop an Ebola epidemic.
My bf just suggested we put canned peas in the egg salad and anyway, I’m single now.
Are you watching Point Break or The Fast and the Furious?
Interviewer: strengths?
Me: I’m sociable and can pretend to get along with most people….
Interviewer: er, ….. yes ok, right, moving on! Weaknesses?
Me: erm….*thinking furiously*…. bladder??
I had a fountain drink at the mall today. All those pennies make the water taste terrible.
Dear guy lighting bottle rocket fuses with a cigarette that’s still in your mouth,
You’re going as a pirate for Halloween.
Just had an email from a reader who is a vegetarian. Complaining about too much vegan food on menus. And asking for my sympathy and support. I intend to think very seriously about this issue.
The house is clean, just don’t open any drawers or doors.
Having the meal you made rejected by a toddler is especially disheartening because it’s like, buddy, I’ve seen you eat play-doh.
#Caturday
You make me want to be a better sentence completer.
[Starbucks]
ME: [bursts in] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT LARGEBARISTA: [shrugs]
ME: [sigh] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT VENTI
B: *grande screaming noises*