My 5-year-old talks to me about our solar system like I have no idea it exists, “do you know about the sun? It’s a star.” Yeah I know. I was the one that told you about it.
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Top 3 questions asked by my parents:
3) How’s the business?
2) Do you have a girlfriend?
1) Why are you stealing from our refrigerator?
Me: and from this day I vow never to rest until vengeance is paid and justice pours down like the blood of our enemies
Priest: uh— th—the bride has also written her vows
me: “youre serving Blue Curacao? so its a boy! congrats man!”
friend: “for the third time, this is not a gender reveal party and please stop drinking the Windex. i think it is causing permanent damage”
me: “so, have you picked any names yet?”
When a yoga class gets too challenging, I like to make up my own poses. So far I have Injured Cobra, Distrustful Dog, Wet Cat, Chalk Body Outline, and Drunk White Girl.
Guys, I’m officially having sex tonight so please don’t disturb me between 9.30 and 9.31
One of the kids said, “Camping looks fun,” so tonight we’re watching The Revenant.
You know IT have given up when the error message reads ‘Something went wrong’.
Wanna feel old? Helium formed for the first time 13.8 billions years ago.
Adding the word “farmhouse” to a table or piece of furniture allows you to charge $1000 for it.
[at the zoo]
HER: look at that leopard
ME: beautiful
HER: what do you suppose it’s thinking?
ME [so loud]: gunter glieben glauchen globen
Just Once i’d like to see a Shark wearing a People Tooth Necklace
Me: [talking out loud while I write in my diary] today was ok, I just wish I could have eaten more breadsticks
Waiter: *sighs* sir would you like more breadsticks
“How’d that happen, Bill?”
“I don’t know.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, I’m just stumped.”
Get a hair cut, run away without paying. They can’t chase you because they’re holding scissors. The perfect crime.
I 100% believe Aliens live in the Bermuda Triangle. It’s like fishing for them.
When I worked at a bookstore, I learned that when an author like Dean Koontz signs his books, their resale value goes up.
I also learned that when an author like Stephen King signs Dean Koontz’s books, the price goes even higher and that Dean Koontz is not amused by this.
Me: [watching someone de-bone a fish] How hard could that be
Also me: [starved because I couldn’t open the pressure cooker]
Doctor: “You have a hip injury.”
Me: “I am very trendy.”
Whoever got my Steam account for Christmas plz realize those Japanese dress up games are for research only, I don’t enjoy them. Plz understa
*flipping through the cheesecake factory menu*
i love re-reading my favorite book
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
When someone rings the doorbell I say to my kids, “I think it’s Santa Claus!” so I don’t have to get up.
He raised an eyebrow, put his hand down and with one eye on the table, looked expressionless.
Never play poker against Mr Potato Head.
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: *changes blender to low setting*
If I’m ever forced to go on silent retreat imma wear windbreakers and wet flipflops…If I have to suffer then so do you…Squeak squeak woosh woosh mf’ers
[teaching my dog to shake hands]
NO! Firmer than that. Want them to take you seriously?
Honestly I wouldn’t want to be left alone with anyone who knew even a single way to skin a cat
I think some of you need an exorcism not an intervention.
You’re in a work meeting and your boss asks, “Any questions?”
The answer is always, NO.