Responsibility for the New York earthquake is already being claimed by tremorrists.
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Do you like them? I made them from scratch. Do you want one? – me introducing my kids to strangers.
If I wanted to insult a humpback whale I’d call it a ‘quasimofo’ then I would high five myself and probably drown idk I haven’t thought this through.
The initials of the Sri Lankan players read like DOS commands. MKDIR, CHKDSK.
I bought a middle-aged Barbie. She was supposed to come with glasses, but she set them down somewhere and hasn’t seen them since.
Me: kill me now!
Murderer, from behind curtain: i was going to surprise you
Not really a humane solution in my opinion
Do you think transformers go clubbing at auto dealerships?
me: [puts a snorkel and flippers on my horse]
water polo ref: still no
My grandfather was so racist he had a white & white television set.
Wooden toothpicks are great for when you have something stuck in your teeth but you also want something else stuck in your teeth
Cult leader: We need to sacrifice a virgin
[Everyone looks at me wearing cargo shorts]
Me: What?
OFFICER DOWN I REPEAT WE HAVE AN OFFICER DOWN. I’m fine just down for whatever. Dancing or something fun.
[Toddler scream crying at the top of his lungs in Target]
Me (yelling):
“SAME!”
Brain: No.
Me: …
Brain: Really.
Me: …
Brain: Don’t do it.
Me: …
Brain: Keep your mouth sh-“Honey, you’re wrong.”
Brain: I give up.
What I said: Brush your teeth!
What my 4yo heard: Chew on your toothbrush so I have to buy you a new one every week.
closure is a myth invented by big yearning to sell more sad
Yeah, I’d like a job where I can spend more time with my dog.
– me at the employment agency
[chiropractor]
Dr., your client Tony is here
-Tony? The guy whose skin is made of bubble wrap
Yes
-Oh hell yes clear the rest of my schedule
Hearing those four little words always makes my day.
“Your order just shipped.”
Doctor: your body has run out of magnesium
Me: 0mg
Runner dad at the park: guess how many miles I ran this morning?
My 7yo: I don’t know, 30 million?
Him: No, 12
7yo: Oh. Well keep working on it. Never give up!
Me: I can’t get this damn sports bra on!
Him:
Me:
Him: that’s a plastic produce bag
Me: I FOUND IT IN THE MELON SECTION!
Where there’s a will there’s a way. You just have to be nice to your rich aunt
you’re suing Gatorade because you mixed red and yellow and it didn’t taste like orange?
me: not even a little bit your honor
*police searching my home
So, the coffin is for Halloween?
Yes. Yes it is.
The person who named Red Delicious apples should never be allowed to name anything again.
I was filling out our census, and under “Any additional comments?” I wrote “Reese’s eggs should be available year round.”
my date last night:
– tried really hard to get me to go home with him
– accidentally spilled his milkshake in my car
– left me to clean it up
– texted me this morning that he’s getting back together with his exdating is fun, you guys
#katesdates
I don’t think the church is going to let me pick music for the bible group again. In my defense, the band name “Lamb of God” is misleading.