I don’t think I could pass a polygraph, even the simple questions because I overthink. They would ask is Amanda is my name and I’d be conflicted because I know my birthname before I was adopted or they would ask if I had ever did acid & I haven’t but I use hyaluronic in skincare.
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I can take 15 years off my appearance by stealing your glasses.
Hello? Yes, this is the chair store calling, are you sitting down? No? well
I know it’s International Women’s Day but I’d like to give a shout out to all the national and local women as well.
And that’s why you clean your room, kids.
Noted.
Smashing piñatas blindfolded but it’s just me being outside during the flying insect seasons.
Who else is self quarantining alone? I’m this close to naming a volleyball.
The secret to a fulfilling and loving relationship is mortal kombat
i just really want crab legs
..not to eat or anything, no, i just wanna scuttle across the floor and see who runs in terror from me
Last night, my daughter asked, “Mommy, why was Daddy the only guy who dated you, if you’re so cute?”
“Oh, well,” I replied, “there used to be plenty of guys who were interested in me.”
“Yeah, but not anymore!”
you have 1 in a 50 million chance of being attacked by a shark which is comforting in the ocean but concerning in an elevator
“You’re tattoos will look bad when you’re older”
So will the rest of me, what’s your point?
If you throw a ball of yarn on stage during a Broadway production of Cats, the actors are required to stop what they’re doing and chase after it.
“Swimming is dangerous, so I wear floaties on my arms for safety!”
[cut to me floating face-down in a pool with only my arms above water]
My greatest hope is for my eulogy to start with “Her reign of terror is finally over.”
When I have a tough decision, I ask myself…
“What would Jesus do?”
Then, I remember how things turned out for him…
And, flip a coin.
mob boss: rip his fingernails off
henchman: they’re bitten really short
mob boss: then do his toenails!
henchman: [removing my socks] you’re not gonna believe this
him: I’m so sick of you just agreeing with everything I say
me: same
You know you’re watching Star Wars with Catholics when every time you hear “May the Force be with you,” you hear, “And also with you.”
Fact: Alcohol increases the size of the send button by 89%
[Cute Girl]: *in hot tub* Hey baby. Why don’t you come join me?
[Lobster]: No I’m good over here. That’s how my dad died.
just saw Gravity. excuse me while I go hug the earth.
If we made a paid app but had no ads, would you download it for $2?
I dont need glasses, they’re just making road signs smaller now
Passenger: That’s a billboard, and the road is over there
Me, a mature adult: hee hee that football announcer said “reach around and squeeze it from the back”.
There are two kinds of people in the world, those who can’t parallel park and those who grab a chair and a bowl of popcorn when they see the first group of people try to parallel park
Make fun of Kim Kardashian’s name choice for North West if you want, but that baby is going straight up. And slightly to the left.
Me: What’s the suite number on that address?
8: It just says “Hashtag 301.”
Me: Before hashtags were born, those were called number signs.
*sprains wrist doing sports
“MY NACHO HAND!”
Somewhere, there is an employee specifically designing the bags of very small screws and hardware that fling their contents across the room when you try to open them. I will one day find something with your scent, and release the hounds upon you.