Guy: I want a divorce.
Me: And who are you?
Guy: I’m your husband! We live together for 6 years!
Me: Hmm.. No way! Are you sure?
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i’m crying live action simba really did not gaf
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
I can’t afford a personal trainer so instead I go to the gym and lift incorrectly and wait for 3 different dudes to correct me for free.
Very important new poster I stuck up in town today. This is my first step towards becoming a great businessman
The fact that the overhead camera in front of my office is fake doesn’t stop me from giving it the finger on the way out every day.
[demon possessing me is forcing me to walk into a chapel]
Me: are you breaking up with me?!
Demon: no- wait, do you actually think we’re a couple?
Me: *shyly blushing* well, you are inside of me
Demon: why are you this way
My father-in-law has 28 grandchildren and 45 great grandchildren and he has an excel spreadsheet that he refers to regularly so he can remember all their names.
I have entirely too many new bruises for someone who isn’t getting laid
For main female characters, prom is inevitable. Even if you try to skip it, a perfectly-fitting dress will appear in your life.
Lock the doors, or run far away. No matter where you go, prom will find you.
Sorry I didn’t get you an anniversary card, babe, but you opted in to paperless affection on our third date.
These drawstring pajama pants practically fall down when I don’t tie them, so I guess another piece of birthday cake is in order.
If you people would’ve used a little more alizarin crimson like Bob Ross told you to, none of this would be happening right now
Have you tried growling until they back away slowly?
Friend: [admiring photo of me, my husband, two sons and our dog] What a beautiful family.
Me: [whispering] My whole house smells like pee.
Just when you think your marriage is going smoothly your husband eats the last piece of cake.
Ever since I bought this Queen mattress I’ve got shivers down my spine, body’s aching all the time.
My girlfriend dumped me so i stole her wheelchair.
Guess who came crawling back.
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah, it’s me, your partner
sorry im late, i photoshoped myself as every member of Slayer
“Please pre-register for your doctor appointment online, so we can ask you the same 57 questions when you get here.”
[My Dad returning 15 years after he left to buy cigarettes] I’ve got toilet paper.
There are two types of people, those who pronounce sixth sense “sicksense” and those who pause in the middle
CONDUCTOR: Oh my dad’s in the audience
[waves to dad]
[orchestra goes crazy]
If we put aside our differences and work together, I truly believe we can come up with a few more alternate spellings of the name Britney.
Every time I forget to feed my cat, I thank god that I wasn’t a teen mom.
Because that child would not be OK today.
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
Can you imagine how rich Adam and Eve would be right now if they would have held on to that Apple stock instead of eating it and incurring the wrath of God?
[Doctor’s Office]
Seal: My flippers are sore.
Killer Whale Doctor: Hmm interesting, swim a little closer into my jaws- I MEAN ONTO THE TABLE
therapist: and what motivation will we use ?
me: hate fueled spite ?
therapist: no