Him: I have successfully bred the first bald porcupine
Me: How pointless
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How long does Chewbacca take to shampoo his hair?
I bought someone’s groceries today and it felt really good… I took a cart that looked like it had what I needed, bought it and left. Saved a lot of time grocery shopping. Amazing feeling.
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
2: strawberries
3: chocolate
4: donuts
5: protein shakes
6: microwave meal
7: Rat poison
I like to leave odd yelp reviews for fast food restaurants that say things like, “Not overly racist.”
I like to use the Ouija board to pester my dead husbands.
Assassin implies the existence of Assassout and frankly I’m all for it
*meeting a medium for the first time*
Medium: There’s a maternal figure coming through. She loves you very much.
Me: Are there dinosaurs in Heaven?
hotels: we have two thicknesses of pillows, monster truck tire or comic book
My cousin thinks the phrase is sperm of the moment. Someday, I may correct her.
Who’s the idiot that named it a Brazilian and not a Tropical Smoothie?
My coffee maker isn’t working and I can’t help but think that I could come up with a solution if I only had some coffee
a vitamin for eyes called “v👁tamins” somebody write that down
[scooby doo’s wife walks into the kitchen and slams a pile of legal documents onto the table. scooby looks up in shock]
scooby: RIVORCE???
I can never hear what my kids are up to while I’m in the shower so I just yell “HEY cut it out!” every 60 seconds and hope that keeps them in line
I used to date a hypnotist and now I can’t even remember why we broke up
Lightly used fish tank for sale on eBay.
Does not contain three goldfish ghosts.
IRL
I was Today Years Old when I find out Labelle are singing “Creole Lady Marmalade” NOT “Be your Lady Marmalade”.
Doctor’s receptionist: Reason for your visit?
Me [covered in roofing material]: I have shingles.
[leaving Hooters]
Wife: you thought there’d be owls
Me: *wiping away one tear* of course not don’t be ridiculous
Neighbors across the street have their Christmas lights up, so I invited them to my Easter Egg hunt this afternoon.
Time traveler me to 10-year-old me: You know Charles from Charles in Charge? One day he will block you from contacting him.
Little me: Wow. Does that mean I’ll be famous or crazy?
Future me: Both and neither. We’re all as famous as he is and a little bit crazy in the future.
The term domestic housewife implies that there is a feral housewife and now I have a new life goal.
Doctor: You need to cut out orange juice in the morning.
Me: Because of all the sugar?
D: No, because of all the champagne.
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
evidently it’s ‘not appropriate’ to call the embassy when the grocery store is out of brazil nuts
That point in your parenting journey where “stop fighting” morphs into “go outside if you’re going to fight”
Do you wish you were always broke?
Are you tired of having a thriving social life?
Is too much sleep boring you?Parenthood. It’s for you
Screaming into a pillow is therapeutic but it also gets you kicked out of Target.
It’s like my therapist always says, “Please, put on your pants.”
shoutout to whoever hacked my doordash account and sent $140 worth of wingstop to my address instead of theirs