Me: I wish for a lightsaber.
Genie: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, I wish for a boyfriend.
Genie: Would you like your lightsaber in blue or green?
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No thanks, Genie. I’m not falling for the old “rub the magic lamp” trick again.
women will invite you to shower with them then cook you alive with a temperature of water you didn’t know existed
“Open face” is both a good type of sandwich and also how you eat them
Divorces should just be reverse weddings where you get pushed out of a church while your friends steal appliances from your home.
bears call children lost in the woods screamy appetizers. you can take my word on this
DATE: {seductively} What’s your type?
ME: {seductively} One sec.
[2 minutes later]
ME: Ok yeah, love you, no I’m on a date, mom she’s the one trust me, thanks again, ok bye. {turns to date} She said B positive.
I agree noisy knees. I SHOULD stay on the couch
I was always taught that every girl’s dream was to marry a Prince but according to my girlfriend it’s actually owning a 1600 watt ionic diffusion Dyson hairdryer.
My wife will fix her hair before she puts on a seat belt in the car because if she dies, she WILL LOOK GOOD dammit.
love it when you say or do some common sense thing and the other person has “file not found” written all over their face
And then grandma said “my, what big hands you have”
boss: david, you’re fired
me: *just got a haircut* is that alllllll you have to say to me 🙂
I know my son will be a good dad one day, because I dropped a plate and he said “now things are getting out of hand” with a straight face
Reminder that today is Make Your Kid Lunch for School so They Can Forget it at Home Day.
CW: what did you do to your hair today?
Me: It’s really unclear whether you think it’s good or you think I slept in a ditch.
my Playstation got stolen… i have no one to console me.
My husband kissed me while I was sleeping before he left for work and I’m not saying I’m not sleeping beauty, but I may have woke up in a panic and elbowed him in the forehead
BOSS: Welcome aboard! This is the time clock—
ME: All clocks are ‘time’ clocks, you simpleton.
[ first day in retail]
me: can i help you find something
customer: im just window shopping
me: we don’t sell those
sitting on the middle seat of this flight and both my seatmates are reading my book over my shoulder, should i just start reading it aloud
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance
People don’t invite me to their parties anymore…
*dips chip in salsa*
I don’t get it…
*double and triple dips*
I mean maybe it’s my hair…
*drinks from salsa bowl*
Ooh that’s good!
*scoops it up by hand*
“You drive me to drink!”
-I shout at my taxi driver.
I’m as clever as the person who named bagpipes
Halloween is the best because it’s the one day my kids go around demanding snacks from everyone else.
At first I was disappointed that the prize for completing my “fair food punch card” was a giant bucket, but it turns out I needed it
Me, scrolling to find my birth year
me (normal): hey did you watch those 67 videos I sent you last night
my friend (also normal): of course
Ruin your teen’s day by singing the wrong words to their favorite song.
Dad was probably bluffing when he said he’d turn the car around after driving 198 miles of a 200 mile trip but WE COULDN’T TAKE THAT CHANCE.