A haunted house for introverts that is just random people popping out and asking questions.
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I am not a show off and don’t brag about going to expensive places, but just left the gas station with the tank full. 😆
A lot of people finally making good on their new year’s resolution to learn how to cook 👌
Rock bottom implies the existence of paper bottom and scissors bottom.
This is my cat’s medicine.
One man. One tuba. A whole public library full of unsuspecting people. And no law enforcement anywhere in sight.
Who are we? KIDS
What do we want? OATMEAL
When do we want it? NEVER, WE CHANGED OUR MINDS, WE DON’T LIKE OATMEAL ANYMORE
Thank god attorneys let us know they’re attorneys “at law” so we don’t assume they’re attorneys at garlic bread or something.
HER: I still think you made up that word just so you could win at Scrabble
ME: that’s ridictacular
let us all return to a simpler time, such as when i believed astroturf was farmed in space and brought to earth
FIRST TIME MOM: Hush little baby don’t say a word.
BABY: {saying first word} Mama.
FIRST TIME MOM: [makes note on clipboard] Doesn’t follow directions yet.
[slips wedding dj a 5] got any korn
[Cowardly Lion starts texting his ex]
WIZARD OF OZ: Ok wow, I gave you WAY too much courage.
Me: You look amazing with glasses.
Her: OMG thanks
Me: *removes my glasses* But not so much without.
Me: I have to go to a funeral.
Her: Oh, I’m so sorry. Who died?
Me: One of my clients… It’s a business funeral, not a pleasure funeral.
me: I’ll take this goth pear
cashier: that’s an avocado
Sorry kids, Santa’s elves only make toys that would sell for under $20 retail.
Why are they called drug mules instead of methengers?
If you want to make someone happy, leave the room and come back in as an outdoor cedar soaking tub near a quiet cabin in Topanga.
you can lose weight eating chips and salsa if you keep the chips and salsa a mile apart
You, idiot: Bill Gates
Me, a genius: Invoice Doors
Trevor eventually flunked out of dentistry school
New shoes. I feel like I should go outside and step directly in dog crap and get it over with.
If Edgar Allen Poe didn’t have a cat named Poepurry, then I question him as a writer.
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No, I have a bunch more stuff to get, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
job interview tip: show up wearig the exact same thing as ur interveiwer, whispre “dress for the job u want, right?” then just stare at them
[about to have sex]
me: fasten your seatbelt
her: oooh you’re good huh
me: no this is a race car bed
Friend dropping me off at the airport: ok fly safe
Me who is not piloting the plane: ok I will
The word “defenestration” means “to throw someone out a window.” Which means this happens so often we needed a word for it.
4-year-old: Why does mom always yell at you?
Me: Marriage is complicated.
4: Is it because you’re stupid?
[at bar]
Gee, I’m so hungry I could eat a horse
*nearby horse slams down his whisky*
COME ON THEN TOUGH GUY
*horse throws the 1st punch*