*Throws caution to the wind*
*gets covered in caution*
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ok this is my dumbest yet
Actual text from 17 y/o son:
kin u com bi nd swoop me?
I hope he means hit him with my car, because that’s the plan
Him: You’re not the sharpest tool in the shed, are you darlin?
Me: HOW DARE Y… Wait, did you just call me darlin
*puts lips to microphone*
Microphone: I have a headache
me, after any kind of buffet.
[trying to remove items separately from the washing machine]
laundry: you will not divide us we are one entity now FEAR US
Welcome to your 50’s.
I thought I saw a werewolf in my bathroom this morning then realized I forgot to pluck that one crazy chin hair.
Happy Halloween!
If it weren’t for addiction, I could have been a supermodel.
Bread is a hell of a drug.
Dirty cop: yeah I’m in with the scum, but I held my nose and now I’m rolling in it
Clean cop: good god Harold, go take a shower
Me: *winking while holding up an eggplant
Passport photographer: No
If you get butterflies in your stomach
You should probably stop eating insects
*crawls back into sea to de-evolve*
I’m so out of shape, I can’t even run away from my insecurities.
Don’t eat my chocolate. I’ll be back Monday.
*bites nails*
Sorry. Bad habit. I haven’t been on a date in a while
“I can see why” she says, pulling her fingers out of my mouth
The most rebellious thing about me is that I refuse to cover my super white legs no matter how many people I blind with them
*Gets called into HR
Me: What was I accused of now?
HR: I haven’t had any sexual harassment claims against you lately. Is everything ok?
If Nicole Kidman had a child with Gary Oldman, the child’s last name would be Middleagedman
The scariest moment in the world is when a 3yo looks at you and says CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUTH
People are having sex, kissing, and cuddling right now and you are reading this….. trust me I’m not happy about this either🙄🙄🙄
[first day working for IKEA]
Customer: one nightstand please
Me: sorry, I’m married
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the first twelve digits of pi
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
it’s extremely weird how many reporters are turning in long-read stories about how fabulously wealthy jeff bezos is when it is pretty well known that editors are only really interested in pictures of Spiderman
Love is that feeling you get when you meet someone that makes you forget about all of your problems cuz they’re causing all new problems.
upon my death:
1. tell my kids I loved them
2. give my daughter my jewelry
3. leave french fries in my coffin, just in case
I hate people who get paid to write toddler’s books.
They put together like 20 words and then find something else to draw the pictures.
Bring multiple sets of clothes to work, change every hour, and act like nothing’s different.
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
Dog: *just lookin at me*
Me: go lay down
Dog: ok.
Cat: *kneading her claws into my stomach*
Me: *wincing* thank you
Cat: damn right thank you