“We’re all in this together” used to sound comforting — until I realized it means I’m relying on a lot of stupid Americans to stay alive.
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Stop asking me about my five year plan.
Let me eat my pizza in peace and denial.
Moses had the first tablet with cloud connectivity.
Alcohol because no great conversation ever started over a salad !
Headline: World helium shortage over due to discovery of helium field.
Scientist: (high voice) This new supply of helium is a game-changer
if Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you’re a girl who reads books, you will eventually fall in love with a water buffalo
It’s wet right there and I don’t know why
– a one sentence horror story
Friend: “Did you bring condoms?”
Me: “No need. If I’m drunk enough to talk to a girl, I’m way too drunk to get it up.”
I always chalk the pool cue as if it is going to make a difference
Me: do you love natural peanut butter, but hate stirring it?
Construction Boss: I’m not questioning the concept, it’s just not your cement mixer
Thanks to my friends for getting me so drunk,that I had to hold on to the grass to keep from falling off of my front yard.
And no thanking Jesus unless he actually shows up at the ceremony
ME: Where are the posters?
WIFE: THEY JUST DISAPPEARED!
[In other room]
*cat is furiously stuffing missing dog posters into paper shredder*
Daughter: dada is Aquaman a mermaid?
Me: no honey.
Daughter: he can swim and breathe and talk underwater like a mermaid.
Me: yes but he has legs.
Daughter: Ariel has legs too.
[later]
Wife: I rushed home what’s the emergency?
Me: I think Aquaman might be a mermaid.
I didn’t even know this was an option. Considering it.
*Holding a banana like a phone* (texting)
The car in front of me didn’t go when the light turned green, so I honked.
She mouthed “thank you.”
Okay, it wasn’t “thank”you, but I pretended it was.
some days i’m on top of this parenting game. other days I buy 2 bags of donuts and throw them and the kids outside.
There was an unattended whistle just lying in the middle of the living room floor so anyway I buried it out in the woods and now we can all move on with our lives
Apparently my aunt is doing some damage control after a crucial signage mistake
“IT’S 3AM! TIME FOR SPRINTS!” – Cats
I wonder if Superman ever put glasses on Lois Lane’s dog & she was like, “I’ve never seen this dog before. Is this a new dog?”
Going to start punching people in the face who say fight me. Words mean things, Paul.
If you’re wondering how lazy I am today, I just pulled a chair up to the fridge.
i be like “i’m fine” then shake my leg 200mph
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
“This is Beth.” I said, introducing my kid.
“And what’s Beth short for?” he asked.
“Because she’s only three,” I replied.
me: *throwing rocks at the window of a girl I like*
flight attendant: STOP THAT
subtitles are for when you’re eating chips
One Oscars rule that I have is when you say “TO MY PARENTS UP THERE”, you should have to clarify whether they are dead or in the balcony
I’ll have a whiskey.
“On The Rock?”
Yeah, the rocks—wait, what?
[You look up at a smiling Dwayne Johnson]
“This one’s free, buddy.”
My 5-year-old got his first paper cut and now he won’t stop talking about his “spicy finger.”