*Mom makes me take out the garbage*
*Garbage and I begin to date*
*I start taking things too fast*
*Garbage dumps me*
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My God, have you lost your marbles?
Yes, she whispers.
I secure the basement door. Monstrous sounds emanate. The hippos are so very hungry.
guys you should DM random girls shit like
“I heard the queen died and I got rly worried something happened to u, babe”
I feel as though we’ve come too far as a society to go camping on purpose.
My life coach just asked me leave because apparently she has “other pedicures to do” and doesn’t “speak English”.
Her: Remind me if I’m ever on life support, not to have you in charge of pulling the plug.
Me: Yea, like I could get in front of that line.
Husband: *singing pop song*
Tween: Mom, do something.
Me: *starts dancing*
#BadThingsToDoOnAPlane Talk about your plans to build explosive devices
My whole life feels like that feeling you get when you take a multiple choice test and the answer you got isn’t one of the choices listed
Woman: Ever since my mom passed, I think she’s watching over me
Mom’s Ghost: Yeah, that is the kind of stupid thing you’d believe
Don’t have a house cat drive you to the post office. I know that now.
Marriage only works when both partners listen. Not to each other; god that would be horrible advice.
I’m going to bed and my hair looks amazing; I feel like the woman in every mattress commercial.
People belittle the internet “talking about a dress” as if we’re busy solving problems otherwise.
What Nasa dont want you to know is those space suits they wear, those are actually bee keepers outfits.
Space is full of bees.
The moon is actually a giant hive, its where we get like 95% of our honey from. Check that moon landing footage again, its not grainy, thats a swarm.
Me: what’s the weather like?
Mom: just open the door and find out
Me: *opens cargo hatch and is sucked out of airplane* it’s
W
I
N
D
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ʸ
ʸ
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[watching kids make snowman]
Me: Hey honey, do you still keep that thing hidden in your dresser?
Wife: Yes…why?
Me (pointing): I don’t think that’s a carrot they used for his nose…
I thought $3 eggs 🥚 were a lot
Until a saw a small bag of pistachios at the Airport going for $18
ME: people only use 10% of their brains
FRIEND: that’s an urban legend
ME: no it’s not. my grandma told it to me, and she lives on a farm
This donut scented car air freshener is going to pay for itself next time I get pulled over.
Me: *ziplines into wedding* “Sup nerds?” *pants get caught and tear off leaving me dangling naked upside down*
Priest: “Ooh a piñata!”
*screaming at the smoke alarm*
DOES THIS SEEM HELPFUL TO YOU???
It is important not to say “be careful” to a toddler as they will interpret it as a challenge and things won’t end well
Dad: Want a donut?
Me: YES!
Dad: *punches my leg* Hurts don’t it lol.
Me: *tasers him* HERTZ DON’T IT LOL.
HER: I don’t know what you’d do without me.
ME:
HER: Please stop imagining all those things.
ME: Ok.
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow you didn’t waste any time did you Becky
ME: I was born a tree…
ALSO ME: …but I’ll dialog.
The receptionist at the doc’s office today kept pulling her mask down to talk to me and I-
Always a bridesmaid, never a bride. Because, I’m smarter than my friends.
Sure, Billy Joel can make love to his tonic and gin but when I do it, I get a PH imbalance and a lifetime ban from my favourite bar.