Friend zone?!
I’ve been sister zoned! And if one more dude pats me on the head, I’m telling mom!!
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I love having a bowl for my keys by the door, it’s really helpful to have one less place to look for them
12: What’s in cocktail sauce?
Me: It’s basically horseradish and ketchup mixed together. It’s good, try it.
12: *makes face* You lost me at horse.
“WHAAAAATTT?” – The first almond to be milked
Not to brag but a girl at this party said I look like the Hulk, of course it was when I was turning green from drinking too much, but still…
WIFE: I can’t believe you slept with my twin thinking it was me
ME: Cut me some slack – he was wearing your perfume
Hey IKEA,
Marriage Therapists and Divorce Lawyers on site in your stores, you’d make a killing.
I’m saving all my really good tweets for when I think of some.
Ninjas owed people money. You don’t get that good at hiding without owing people money.
umbrellas are great if you only wanna get wet sideways.
I’d like to say the best moment of a woman’s life is giving birth, but it’s actually seeing an old nemesis & realizing she got really fat.
My husband and I took our dog Ruckus ride and when he turned down a road with huge potholes I said, “ouch” and a few seconds later he said I’M SO SORRY RUCKUS, I’M TRYING TO AVOID THE HOLES!
I hope one day to find someone who loves me as much as my husband loves the dog.
I jack off in the shower using only L’Oréal conditioner. Why? Because I’m worth it.
A pronoun referring to a specific thing previously mentioned, known, or understood.
That.
Taught my 6 yo nephew that he should say “calm down Karen” whenever his mom is mad at him. Now we wait for my sister Stacy to call
Wife: There’s a spider in the kids’ bedroom
Me: I’ll take care of it
*raises spider like one of my own*
*has a little cry when it graduates*
Best translation fail. The arabic spells out a transliteration of ‘meat ball’ in English – which sounds like ‘mayit baul’, or Dead Paul.
Watching Home Alone in 1990: oh poor Kevin, all alone with no family to celebrate the holidays
Watching Home Alone in 2018: that lucky little punk
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
it was a valiant fight
Sometimes I purposefully dress my toddler in mismatched pajamas just to make my wife’s head explode.
God: I shall call this a tiger
Me: *scratching ‘angry fire zebra’ off my sheet* yeah cool whatever
May you have the confidence and independence of my 5yo, who sneezes and says, “Bless you, me!”
Sometimes I accidentally hit “z” instead of “.” and end up sending texts like “see you laterz” like I’m a cool teen from 2003.
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
day 16 of being stuck in:
me: shall I have another glass of wine?
my wall: yes catherine splendid idea
I have the eyebrows of a much more unstable woman
My daughter should be getting her mid quarter grades soon. I’m excited to see how I’m doing in algebra.
‘Why don’t you come over here and taste these Doritos…’
– Romancing the stoned
When potatoes get eyes, do they start watching you? If so, we should call those ones spec-taters
I sit in the corner eating my tortillas completely confused by this salsa class.