The pool supply sales lady told me I should shock my swimming pool once a week, so I keep showing it my senior picture.
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Men pick a hairstyle at 15 and call it good until baldness or death.
Me: [picking up chicken with chopsticks] this is hard
Her: why not try a fork?
Me: [picking up a fork with chopsticks] this is even harder
Never trust your kids. You know who their parents are.
Me: I prefer the natural look
Sephora: oh, then you’ll need these 15 products
I can bend a spoon with just my mind and some hard ice cream.
She likes her men how she likes her coffee: sliding off the roof of her car
Fun fact: Pouring water on a snorer only makes them mad.
If a serial killer commits suicide, you can console his family by saying,
“hey, at least he died doing what he loved”
Hey, Sean Bean, it’s either Shaun Baun or Seen Been. You can’t have it both ways.
If my dog had a catchphrase it would be, “I came as soon as I heard! What do you need me to eat??”
I have a Brown Paper Belt in Origami
Girl: Saying hot is disrespectful. You should say ‘beautiful’ instead.
Me: Ok.
Me: Can you please pass the beautiful sauce?
[restaurant]
BRUCE BANNER: [tries to pick up a crouton with his fork]
DATE: Are you okay?
THE HULK: I’ve been better.
1st day of hunting season:
*puts on camo*
*climbs up in tree stand*
*waits w/binoculars to see one hunter accidentally shoot another hunter*
Never been more fit than the semester after my college bf dumped me…hey JP got a beach vacation comin up mind doin it again
A chinchilla infestation sounds more like a solution than a problem at this point.
Hello 911? I was doing that thing where you pretend to walk down stairs behind a couch only it worked. I have no idea where I am. Help me.
For the record, riding my unicycle to the bank robbery was a terrible idea.
Lasagna asks the question, “what if pasta were a book”
Me: *smiling from ear to ear*
Plastic surgeon: My bad.
“Get me some ice cream, I gave blood today”
Him: “You can’t say that every month!”
{Clutches ovaries} “GASP”
I once conjured a blizzard to get out of a “lunch date”.
He stole my heart, so I stole his last name. Is the slogan of a very famous body parts and new ID shop in Mexico.
I’m just your average mom, trying to convince my kids that 4:45pm is indeed their bedtime, because I’ve had enough of their shit for one day
*Goes to zoo to see the world’s oldest tortoise.
Guide: He’s over 200 years old. How cool is that?
*Tortoise says something racist.
ME: I still think our hairiest son is my favourite
WIFE: First of all you shouldn’t have favourites and second of all that’s the dog
Bringing a carrot-and-raisin salad to a potluck is a subtle way to let people know you hate them.
Me: …. Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: … Dog: have the shrooms kicked-in yet? Me: ..
Him: I’m sorry, socks in bed are kind of a deal breaker
Me: wow
My sock puppet: WOW