family members leaving you things in their will is literally them saying “yeah I’ll give you this… over my dead body”
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Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
Tomorrow is the 4th of July which means one thing, it’s going to be a really big day for nail art Instagram photos.
Guy: If u won lotto, what’d u get?
Me: A cat sitter
G: To take extra good care of Sox?
M: *pictures a cat in a suit taking care of me* Yes
Sorry if you feel foolish, but that’s how sarcasm works… Einstein.
thinking about the time someone asked me if there was any dairy in the tres leches cake i got. yes there’s tres
[watching Game of Thrones] last week was great, I paid attention to everything!
TV: last week on GoT..
Me: when the hell did that happen?!
Lying dead in a closed coffin at my funeral, and yet somehow I still manage to spill mustard on my shirt.
Him: I don’t see nothin’ wrong-
Me: Let me just stop you right there *takes out Grammar Police badge, issues double negative citation*
Sweet Jesus > Unsweetened Jesus
The swamp creature from the haunted lagoon?
Nope just me back from the gym
Friend: Did you know most people mistake thirst for hunger?
Me: Really? Weird. Hey, are you going to eat that water bottle?
simultaneously my vacuum caught fire and my crush texted me, so the vacuum had to wait
“Yay, outdoor soccer in the rain”
– said no mom, ever
boss: can i talk to you in my office
me: anything you have to say to me [gesturing to emotional support alligator] you can say to phillip too
Grammar: The difference between knowing your shit and knowing you’re shit.
At 7:00am I dropped my nail file on the floor, so I squatted down to pick it up… And at 7:20am I finally got up!!!
my only hobby is seeing how close i can get to squirrels before they run away
doctors: we recommend 7-9 hours of sleep every day
also doctors: time to work my third 24-hour shift this week
It helps to think of every business meeting as a game, where the object is to leave the room with fewer action items than anybody else.
Kids are like I know this paper heart is from a ripped burrito wrapper I picked out of the gutter but it reminds me of you and you must keep it forever and ever till you die.
BOND: The name’s Bond. James Bond.
ME: That’s a weird way to say your name, dude.
BOND: I’m a spy.
ME: You are bad at all parts of this.
If you loiter in a Tibetan spiritual leaders sandwich shop every day, then you dilly dally in the Dalai’s deli daily.
Had sex with a condom tonight.
Maybe next time it will be with a girl.
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
I applied for a loan from the U.S. Government, but was turned down because I had a legitimate repayment plan
All of my passwords are the names of various “Friends” characters. Except for Ross. I’ve never used Ross. Not after what he did to Rachel.
Act normal. Act normal. Act normal. ActnormalactnormalactnormalACTNORMALDAMNITactnormal
Planning on buying my daughter a Volvo so she’s safe but with a mismatched door so she gets the struggle.
GOOD COP: We can do the easy way…
BAD COP: Or the hard way.
UNDERCOVER COP: [muffled] Guys, get under the covers with me! It’s so cozy and I have a flashlight and comic books under here!
My guess is it’s either Geppetto’s workshop or a sperm bank.