*My neighbor rolls over in bed.
Me: You really shouldn’t sleep with the windows open. Now quit hogging the covers.
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6: how do you spell once?
Me: o-n-c-e
6: how do you spell upon?
Me: u-p-o-n
6: how do you spell-
Me: what are you doing?
6: writing a story. how do you spell…
It’s going to be a long weekend.
On the list of things I fear the most, “death” comes in as a close second to “audience participation”
Oh, you’re with child? That’s cool. I’m with vodka.
*rubs belly*
I love getting socks for Christmas idk what you people are complaining about
If you haven’t manipulated your kids into calling grandma to ask to sleep over, you’re missing out on a crucial parenting hack.
Spelling matters. My husband texted me that we’re very low on time.
Thyme. He meant thyme.
Toddler, sleepily: “A lot of people live in our house.”
Me: “Momma, Matty, and me. That’s all.”
Toddler, pointing behind me: “And them too.”
I turn to see an empty hallway. I’m 99% certain it was an empty hallway.
At my funeral the priest will throw my corpse into the crowd and whoever catches it will be the next to die
You sell yourself for retweets, you are a prostitweet.
We don’t have any sports this weekend. Everyone can sleep in.
The cat: Bet
I’m giving up for Lent.
When meeting someone new, there should be a grace period after which they tell us their names again
I never eat spiders in my sleep because I hang a sign at the door to my mouth that says “I’m a vegetarian” and they know to leave
How to make a woman scream in the bedroom: marry her and leave your clothes on the floor.
What idiot called it a scarf and not a necromancer??
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve opened the refrigerator and thought, What am I doing inside the refrigerator?
My nine year old stayed home with me today. The time is 11:30 am.
She has spoken more words today than I did in December.
Just saw the new Avengers & the audience went NUTS when Shrek showed up & saved the day.
That earthquake could have been an email.
paul mccartney: all the lonely people, where do they all come from? all the lonely people, where do they all belong?
[from back of the room]: twitter
Anime-only: Man, I can’t wait to see more of my fav character!
Manga-reader: Oh man, THAT character, oh buddy oh pal oh buddy. I ain’t gonna say WHAT happens to them, but uh, hehehe, prepare to CRY. I MUST REITERATE, I ain’t spoiling anything, BUT, that character? Hooo boy
Protip: If your wife asks you “When are you going to clean that up?” never respond with “I was waiting for someone else to do it.”
A good way to meet all of your neighbors at once is to take the trash out, in your pajamas.
grandmas are always like “not enough meat on your bones” the only reasonable explanation being that at a certain age every grandma starts giving serious thought to cooking her family and eating them
My kid was asked to write about a favorite family vacation at school and she decided to write about the time she watched her favorite youtube family go to Hawaii.
Always a bridesmaid, never the Brideslord, summoning the nation’s brides to war with a mighty blast of the brideshorn.
I left my Kindle on the train. This would have never happened if I was carrying 8 bookshelves full of books with me like in the old days.
I did not take a DNA test…
Turns out I’m am 100% not caring what I am…
Red Skull’s name is pretty on-the-nose. How did his parents know.