How’s school, Hannah?
“Really tough, dad.”
They’re calling you Hannah Banana, aren’t they?
“No-”
WHY THE HELL NOT
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[calling my sister while babysitting her 3-year-old] should he be using the oven
If a tree falls on your ex on the woods and no one hears it you should still get rid of the chainsaw.
..Just in case!
I bought three dozen eggs at the grocery store and an American Express black card just showed up at my house
There should be LEGO movies of everything. LEGO Die Hard. LEGO John Wick. Hell I’d even watch LEGO 50 Shades of Grey.
I was thirty five years old before I realized that a hamlet wasn’t an omelette with ham.
Me: I want my pills wrapped in cheese like my dogs.
Pharmacist:
MAGICIAN: Think of a number, any number.
ME: *thinks for a bit* …k
MAGICIAN: That is a letter.
ME: omg ur right
If you can get the pronouns right for a boat you can get them right for a person
Me: oh no please stop stabbing me
Murderer: your sarcasm is ruining this
I’m sorry you didn’t find out that the Applebee’s gift card I gave you for your birthday doesn’t work until after you ate. I found out the hard way too.
What religious people say: “I have you in my prayers.”
What non-religious people hear: “I’m trying to raise Aquaman on this cat radio.”
Satan why do u have pitchfork? Lotta hay in hell is there? Ok idiot
Why are Diva Cups only for women why can’t I win one.
Me: Sex?
Wife: Sure.
Me: Really? Just like that?
Wife: Yep.
Me: …never mind.
I don’t know what she’s up to, but I don’t like it.
This dogs tail is more talented than I will ever be
[Asking for Sanctuary at the church]
Priest: your girlfriend finally heard that La Cucaracha horn you put on her car?
Me: yeah
“Uhm, EXCUSE me, my eyes are out HERE.” — Hammerhead sharks
Ugh my boyfriend’s all “Stop asking my Dad if he likes your underoos” and “Stop snap-chatting my Mom” and “Stop calling me your boyfriend”
What if IN DA CLUB was a Christmas Song?
Zoom meetings have reminded me that I’m generally not muted when you should be.
Astronaut: *takes a picture of the moon*
Moon: delete it
The advantage in having a lot of children is that statistically speaking, you’re bound to like at least one of them.
In 7000 years, some archeologist is going to be confused as shit after he unearths a stationary bicycle.
When cooking for a date for the first time I use plenty of garlic so we can get the whole “vampire/not a vampire” question out of the way.
My 5yo acts like some sorta food connoisseur when I cook but today I caught him eating bread that he’d dipped in his cup of milk. What’s the deal with that?!
“Daddy, how do you get the snow off” my helpless six year old shouts as she’s outside in a snowsuit playing…in the snow…and it’s snowing
Sometimes I’ll run into a friend’s husband and think to myself, “bro you have no idea how hard I’ve worked to help save your marriage.”
If my company really wanted us to move during a fire drill, they’d lose the alarm and just announce that there’s free food by the stairs.
the face you make when passing someone you kind of know but not enough to stop and chat
Yeah, I’d like a job where I can spend more time with my dog.
– me at the employment agency