Million dollar idea: Dating website for leopards called Connect the Dots
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gwen stefani really let us down by not spelling something useful like necessary or embarrass
My husband called and said he wants tacos for dinner. We’ve been together for 30 years and I still can’t tell whether or not it’s a euphemism.
[funeral]
Her: why is my dead grandfather wearing a diamond ring?
*sliding it off his finger*
Me: *gets down on one knee* because babe…
Dr: We need you to come back for additional blood work…
Me: Why, is something wrong?!
Dr: Yes. Your blood sample was mostly champagne…
*looking at a picture* Wow, you have beautiful children!
Thank you, they came with the frame.
Wife: You know Frosted Flakes aren’t healthy, right? You should be eating better at your age.
Me: The tiger says they’re forty fived with vitamins and minerals
[addressing everyone at my pet possum’s funeral] you guys aren’t gonna believe this
Obituaries always read, “passed away peacefully surrounded by family”, I want mine to read, “died in a blazing glory of incompetence”
My dad did not let me watch Dexter’s Labratory because he said it was unrealistic. “A lab that size would absolutely devastate the foundation of the house” he would say.
I could be an astrononaut. If it wasn’t for the in shape part. Or the science. Or the going into space.
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable eating a bucket of extra crispy.
What’s the fetish called when you can only get off if Gordon Ramsey is yelling at you that your risotto is garbage?
RIP boiling water. You will be mist.
ME: [knocks on neighbors door] I think I ran over your cat.
NEIGHBOR: What did the cat look like?
ME: *making face like I’m screaming* Like that.
Are you tired of having a great friendship?
Ruin it with Sex™
WIFE: Ok *deep sigh* why are you in the bathtub w/ a horse?
ME: [soaping behind Mr Butters’ ears] It’s called a stable relationship, Thelma
blood is thicker than water, which is my secret to winning the annual county fair gravy contest every year
Got McDonald’s today and when I was handed my soda the cup inexplicably cracked and spilled all over me so sometimes I really wonder if my ancestors offended a witch.
“I can taste the difference between varieties of brands of mayonnaise”
– my best friend and the whitest man I know
My 4yo just tried to pass the 9 yo’s Mother’s Day card as her own, and while I don’t support lying I do respect the hustle
When the inventor of the USB stick dies they’ll gently lower the coffin, then pull it back up, turn it the other way, then lower it again.
It saddens me that the closest my car will ever get to being a Transformer is when I fold in the side mirrors.
Boss: Why were you late today?
Me: *flashes back to standing motionless in my closet staring at my clothes for 20 mins*
Me: Traffic.
I can’t take my dog to the pond because the ducks keep attacking him…
Guess that’s what get for buying a pure bread dog.
You make me want to be a better sentence completer.
People who say ‘mayo’ instead of ‘mayonnaise’ live 12 years longer cos of all the time they save
Monday
Sometimes I like to mess with my husband and say things like “Honey, please hand me a waffle knife” and watch him panic.
You can’t always get what you want, but if you cry loud enough you’ll at least have the satisfaction of making everyone really uncomfortable
Save your voice calling for your kids. Just open a bag of chips and they’ll materialize out of nowhere.