This all started with Meghan’s friend setting her up on a blind date with Prince Harry. My friends are actually useless.
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People who say watching golf on TV is boring have obviously never listened to golf on the radio
Auto correct is my worst enema.
“A picture is worth a thousand words.”
–anonymous“A thousand words is for amateurs.”
–children
A guy on Tinder just asked if I wanted to go help him catch a raccoon so I guess I’m engaged now.
you (uncultured): Ok.
me (cultured): Othousand.
When Dr. Seuss wrote, “Oh, The Places You’ll Go,” he did not consider how comfortable my couch would be.
I lifted up my t-shirt to check out my abs and last night’s taco residue fell out so there’s that.
@hadafewbeers @funTweeters 92 just broke a hip! 🎉
Due to inflation, the high five has dropped to a mere middle finger
Just saw a guy using a payphone. I can only assume he’s being told where to deliver the ransom money.
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy, and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like, “Why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
My husband will prove that he knows all the lines of a movie by saying them before the character in the movie says them, but when I do it while watching a murder documentary it’s creepy.
Told my boss at work I had three companies looking at me and asked for a raise, so of course out of curiosity she asked me which three companies.
Managing to keep a straight face I told her Gas, Water, and Electric.
Find a man who pays attention to what you say as much as Google ads does
What my back needs
Me *calls 911* I got stabbed by an murderer
911: omg
Me: omg
911: “an” murderer haha
Me: haha stop I heard it just as I said it
KID:I drew you a picture!
ME:What’s this?
KID:Our house.
ME:What’s the orange stuff?
KID:Fire.
ME:Why’s the house on fire?
KID:I wanna PS4.
Wife: Are…are you training a beaver in karate?
Me: Well, actually it’s not a beav-
Wife: I don’t care what it is, just get rid of it!
Me: [whispering] It’s okay Woodchuck Norris. Don’t let her dash your dreams.
The dentist gives me toothpaste when I leave. Step up your game gynecologist.
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
My 3-year old daughter said “Daddy I love you” and when I was responding “thanks I love you too” she interrupted me to be like “also I love EVERYTHING.” I’m on the same level as an air fryer
My favorite way to mop the bathroom floor is to give the kids a bath.
The walls, too.
Yup, and ceiling.
Mom pro tip: If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself.
4yo: Can I have some more Easter candy?
Me: After lunch
4yo: I want lunch right now. I’m starving!!
Me: We just ate breakfast
4yo: Starving!
5 Stages of Pregnancy:
1: Crying
2: Peeing
3: Crying because you peed
4: Peeing because you’re crying
5: The toilet is your home now
[pulls into taco bell drive thru]
Hi, I’d like enough tacos to forget 2016
ME: Would you ever get a tattoo?
DAD: I don’t even highlight in books
Why do coffee beans smell so good, and coffee breath is like bleh?
Parents out there naming their kids things like, Montana and Carolina and Dakota, but you never see anyone with the balls to name their kid, Idaho.