A thousand curses upon anyone who has ever gone, “Why are you sitting in the dark?” and then flipped the light on without asking.
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If only the workout your thumbs get from scrolling on your phone would go to your abs.
Pro tip-If you bring a toy boat into a hot tub and repeatedly reenact the Titanic, in a few mins you’ll have the entire hot tub to yourself.
me: omg I love these *leans in* Alexa, hello. hello Alexa. can you hear me?
son: Dad, that’s grandma’s urn
I forget how hitchhiking works- do I murder them or do they murder me? I don’t want it to be awkward.
I grew up between two pig farms. So, you had me at “farm fresh” and lost me at “air.”
I do NOT have a drinking problem. I use a straw so technically it’s a “sipping” problem.
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
Why do we always hurt the ones who eat the tator tots I was saving in the freezer?
Gordon Ramsey: AND WHAT IS THE SECRET SAUCE ON YOUR STEAK?!
Me *nervously hiding the ketchup packet*: It’s tomato wine, chef
Me: *holding my hands out* Time to say grace
McDonald’s cashier: No
I’m always disappointed when a bio states ‘avi not me’ especially when it’s an animal or a cartoon.
Bull: [angrily snorts]
Bulldog: [angrily barks]
French Bulldog: [angrily chain smokes while reading Sartre]
It’s so rude when someone else is using your toilet cubicle at work
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
”I wonder how long cake is good for before it goes stale?”
*I say to myself as I eat the last slice from a cake made earlier that day
your honor, i nominate the real murderer for the ice bucket challenge!! [a guy stands up] nice
Trainer: What kind of shape would you say your body is in?
Me: Butternut Squash
When someone trying to leave me
Pee your name in the snow and you’ll quickly understand why they teach cursive in our schools.
Me: Hey Alexa-
Alexa: OMG WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
“There are hot Shingles in your area”
– My Doctor
her: Say something nice to me.
me: Your friend is like, a ten.
wut hotdog?
I wash my whites separately but what do I do with the shirt I was wearing while eating spaghetti.
What’s a random act of kindness you’ve done for a stranger recently? I helped a bunch of teens buy alcohol and cigarettes the other day
So guy walks up to me and puts his fist out for a bump and somehow I reach out, grab it and shake slightly.
If you need me I’ll be behind hiding my couch forever..
changed my bio on bumble to “I’m gonna murder ur whole family” and guys still responded
I gotta work tomorrow? like, my job??? I have had 17 straight days off you expect me to remember what it is I do for a living
When people say something is cray-cray it makes me wanna vom-vom
Oh you’re a fan of egg whites? Name 3 of their albumens