two people had sex in the 80s and now I gotta pay bills, hydrate, and hate myself???
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[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* I NEED HOT WATER FOR MY CUP O’ NOODLES
I always yell “FORE” when I’m throwing golf clubs out of my car at joggers.
Job interviewer: “Why do you want to join the Secret Service?”
Me: “It’s a secret.”
Job interviewer: “You got the job.”
[girl interrupting my sexting] please eat the potato salad with your mouth closed
[police show picture of my dead body at bottom of stairs to wife]
“Why no pants on?”
We think he tried to jump into his pants & fell
Me: My bed is so warm and cosy. I never want to leave.
Bladder: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
I bet it’ll be frustrating when we get abducted by aliens and forced into their weird zoo to do human things. An alien kid will throw food at us and shout, “Do a war crime!” Listen, buddy, that’s not how it works.
my cat’s getting pretty choosy about wet food for someone who was 85% off at the shelter
*kicks door down*
*realizes its the wrong house*
*leaves*
*comes back with tool bag*
*fixes door*
*apologizes*
My financial advisor recommended I join a doomsday cult.
If people love cheese so much, why are they mad when someone smells like cheese.
For the well-being of our marriage, my wife and I have separate Amazon accounts.
I’d hire this kid in 10 years.
I was an English major, which means I may or may not be able to get you out of a dangerous situation, but *patting your arm* at least I can write a 5-paragraph essay on the fatal flaw that led you to it.
called in thicc to work this morning
Felt bad about hitting a car yesterday but I remembered to leave a note. Didn’t have a pen so I used my key.
If you’re like me, you woke up this morning with your vision MIRACULOUSLY CURED because you left your contacts in overnight.
A chihuahua is just a barking cat.
It just occurred to me that you could substitute Miranda rights for wedding vows. Verbatim
[at sperm bank]
“Do you have anything on clearance?”
Me: *nods in agreement
Narrator: in reality Mike had no clue what she was talking about
Him: Can you please stop using the bananas like they are phones
Me: But how am I supposed to contact the gorillas
Him: You’re unbelievable!
Gorilla *over banana*: When are you leaving him?
In hell, your mouth is always freshly brushed & minty, and all they have to drink is orange juice.
The human urge to say “Don’t worry, I’m over it” and then talk about it for the next 20 years.
A lot of parenting involves doing really nice things for your kids, and your kids making you regret that decision instantly.
[job interview for psychic]
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME: Well played.
Predator taking off his mask, but it’s me removing the filters from my selfies.
My doctor asked if anyone in my family suffers from mental illness. I said, ‘No we all seem to enjoy it.’
Ladies, if he:
– is hairy
– has trouble communicating
– is 1′ 4″
– wears a deerstalker hat
– solves mysteriesHe’s not your man. He’s Detective Pikachu.