Last night my 4yo said a prayer for all the people in the world including “Africa, Asia and Syrup.” From now on, I will be referring to Europe only as Syrup.
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Toss the darts, treat the wounded, tally the points. Repeat until only one child remains.
“Couples don’t have enough things to disagree about.”
– Guy about to invent crunchy peanut butter.
If the British had won, today we’d all be celebrating the Fouurth of July
5yo: dad how many teeth do I have to lose to buy a tv?
Me: *doing zero math* uh like a thousand
5yo: do I have a thousand teeth?
Me: haha not quite
5yo: *just glares at his little brother*
You really shouldn’t label sandwiches, I mean they have a right to exist in a world without labels and judgements just like everyone else.
*sees girl at bar*
Hey baby, wanna get outta here?
“Sure!”
Good, you’re really killing the vibe.
Does anyone else’s wife quiz them about the movie they’re watching with them as if you wrote and produced it yourself? I don’t know why he didn’t just call a taxi, Linda, I’ve got the same information you have.
Doctor: I have some bad news
Me: Why can’t my grandma tell me?
Doctor: I’m afraid she passed
Me: oh no
Grandma: Yeah screw that, I’m not doing it
I always thought that “same sex” marriage was what straight couples suffered from.
Just saw two identical twins out in public together. No disrespect to that lifestyle but please keep it private
The “bangles to politicians” insult says “come be weak like women because the weak wear bangles”. No thanks, “self-proclaimed real men”.
[yelling over club music] has anyone seen my tamagotchi
My god she’s good.
Me: *nudges wife* Hey, are you sleeping?
Wife: *pumps shotgun*
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
Lying to stupid people can give you a profound sense of satisfaction, it can also make you president.
“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” yeah because I won’t be leaving my bed
Asked my kid what kind of donut he wanted and his answer was “six.”
Me: You haven’t fought with your sister in two whole days.
10yo: I know. We should send her to camp more often.
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
tried to blow dust off my phone and spat all over it
so yeah, i’m adorable
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
Still kinda pissed off that Octo-mom only has 2 arms
There was a sense of accomplishment finishing the daily newspaper. I literally have no idea when I’m supposed to stop reading the internet.
Relationships: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job.
sleep paralysis demon: why are there so many cups in this room???
it’s my first birthday in four years so say happy birthday to me rn or i’ll k*ll u with my bare hands
Just heard that May is mental health month. Where do I go to pick up my supply?
I’ve been practicing Social Distancing my whole life.. Just sayin.
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Me: Oooh, I’m parked between two other Subarus! I’m the middle of a Subaru sandwich!! 🥰🥰🥰