the only organized thing in my life is crime
You Might Also Like
Them: Can you describe yourself in five words?
Me: Stay at home couch accessory.
Imagine if your anxiety and your metabolism swapped jobs
Nice Confederate flag bro, way to commemorate coming in second place in a civil war.
*snaps wife’s nighttime eye mask*
You up?
So I was all like Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was all —
And I was Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was —And that’s when I knew it wasn’t gonna work out
[job interview]
“So where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Getting asked this question somewhere else
Not to spoil the eclipse for y’all but Bella chooses Edward lol
You ever notice how when you get home from food shopping, the kids turn into airport security?
‘You have a choice to not be rotten’ I patiently explain to my cat who promptly responds by vomiting on the couch
When I was younger I used to learn a new word and then find ways to awkwardly shoehorn it into conversation. Talk about a classic bildungsroman.
When Americans say Math instead of Maths I find it so damn exy
I feel the need, the need for tweed.
– Professors at Top Gun
How actors in movies eat their food
the human just came home. smelling like another dog. this isn’t a problem. i’m totally not upset. if anybody needs me. i’ll be over here. wondering what i ever did to deserve this
{my first day as an art critic}
this painting tastes like shit
We’ve got two options: clean and vacuum, or stop wearing our glasses around the house.
Drove by a woman with her car broke down, I was going to stop and help until I remembered I don’t know anything about cars or women.
Shout out to that 18-year-old bottle of hydrogen peroxide in your medicine cabinet.
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*– parallel parking a time machine
My son asked to read one of my scripts three weeks ago. Still hasn’t read it. I can’t believe I’m raising a studio executive.
17: Want to see a movie?
Me: Sure.
17: Afternoon show only, so no one sees us together.
Me: Ok. *Posts pic on IG. Tags all her friends.
If you’re going to fight, fight like you’re the third monkey on the ramp to Noah’s Ark.
And brother, it’s starting to rain.
*puts to and to together*
*blesses the rains down in Africa*
(texting gf) In uber. Be home soon. Cant wait to see you (accidentally pressing dictation button) Ohhhh i want a hamburger so bad. Hot dog too. Ohh man I want a mcchicken. me too. Woww I want a burger. Yeah I want a cheeseburger too. Ohhh wow me too. I want a hot dog.With the bun
Amazing how easily that guy scaled Trump Tower. Thank God u can’t get suction cups in Mexico cause then wall idea would be really stupid.
Wife: Did you hear the water park went out of business?
Me: Oh no!
Wife: What?
Me: Bankruptsea!
When I randomly walk into a room in my home and find my kids playing quietly together I slowly and silently back out like I’ve stumbled into a den of hungry velociraptors who by some miracle haven’t noticed me yet.
Whenever I see a new couple on a date I walk up to their table, hold up my phone and tell the guy “You’re Wife Sarah says hello”.
I’m so glad we could finally reconnect after all these years because I’d really like your help on my virtual farm.
I keep a baseball bat under my bed in case someone tries to break in and pitch a no hitter