*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
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ME: This house is haunted
WIFE [sigh] We’ve been thru this, that’s our son
SON: I just have a pale complexion Dad
ME: TELL ME YOU HEARD THAT
A coworker started telling my kids a story with the sort of zeal you often see from people who don’t have kids of their own. It took less than 4 minutes of inquiries and interruptions for my son to completely break her spirit and bring storytime to a grinding halt. That’s my boy.
Went outside. Touched grass. Got bit by bugs. Zero stars
I know Taco Bell doesn’t have “I hate myself” sauce yet. But they should. They should.
Imagine if you killed a shark then got reincarnated as a shark but the shark you killed was really popular & all the sharks knew it was you.
I phonebanked for @BernieSanders tonight and my skin is now clear, my gpa is rising, and my crops are flourishing
This meeting could have been a cake
My neighbors listen to great music… whether they like it or not.
Spice up your anxiety attack by playing the Jaws theme song.
two loaves, one loaf
two elves, one elf
two leaves, one leaf
two hooves, one hoof
two gloves, one glofno more questions
4 when I ask to play with him: please don’t touch my toys mommy
4 when I’m trying to take a relaxing bath: please accept every toy I own immediately
I appreciate commercials that specify “shipped directly to your door” because I’m so tired of delivery people throwing packages on my roof or burying them in my yard
I was visiting my parents this past weekend and Y’ALL, I had no idea how intense birdwatching can get.
“I’m disguising all my tweets as Marilyn Monroe quotes from now on.”
-Marilyn Monroe
PRIEST: god knows how you’re behaving, and has a huge problem with it
ME (wasn’t listening): and also with you
Friendly but loud reminder to NOT FEED STALE DUCKS TO BREAD k
neurosurgeon: *turning my head upside down to shake out a pebble*
*takes construction hat to vet*
Please help. My turtle hasn’t moved in 8 years.
hate when the barista asks “do you want whipped cream?” it feels there are only two answers: “yes please, i’m fat.” or “no thanks, i’m fat.”
I’m getting old. I wake up now and my body is like…
Bladder: better hurry up!
Back: woah, no sudden movements!
Foot: CRAMP!
Head: ouch, did we drink last night?
Neck: CRAMP!
Back: WHAT DID I SAY ABOUT SUDDEN MOVEMENTS!
Bladder: um, so I’ve got some news…
I’ve been wearing the same clothes for almost 7 years now because a girl wrote “never change” in my middle school year book.
pls stop saying grace,,,you are diverting God from solving crimes
An app similar to Google Maps except it highlights all of the areas in your city that are believed to be haunted.
One of my greatest joys in life is when Jeff calls the vet to make an appointment and they ask for his name, and he says, Jeff. Then, they ask for our cat’s name, and I watch him gather his strength before he tells them, Baby Jeff.
*checking email on my phone while shoveling handfuls of sea salt and cracked black pepper potato chips into my mouth
YESSSSS! Finally got my unread emails to 100.000! Weird how there’s three zeros after that decimal point but whateve…
Oh
I have to stop paying attention when I get too close to any round number of followers, because then I notice way too easily when I lose one, and it’s like “oh no, my hot take on pencil skirts deeply alienated someone who now despises me, I must send a cookie basket”
My friend just broke up with her man. I really helped her through the break up by letting her know he’s no good in bed anyway.
Me: *in the dentist chair*
Dentist: OK so whilst you have several instruments and half my belly in your mouth, I’m going to take the opportunity at this exact moment to ask about your holidays and I do expect a response.
The average person swallows 30-50 feral hogs in their sleep every year.
My daughter once summarized a 10 minute story in 4 hours.