*Asking the price for something way too expensive but also shy*
Me – Excuse me. How much is this?
Salesman – Ten thousand dollars.
Me – Oh…. I’ll take three.
*sets place on fire before paying*
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People keep coming to me for advice like they forget that back in the day I turned down a bitcoin to repair someones computer for them and did it for a few beers instead.
‘I like the smell of your meat’ may not have been the best greeting to the hot waiter at the BBQ joint I picked for lunch.
It’s crazy that you get in trouble for trafficking drugs across the border. What if you were just doing someone a favor?
Me: You secretly can’t wait until I die so you can eat my face.
Cat: Secretly? No.
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
A good prank is to rent a Mercedes, stick a huge bow on it, and park it in front of your neighbor’s house
GIRLFRIEND: *whispers in my ear* Hey you wanna try for a baby
ME: *playing the claw machine* I don’t think there are any in there, Denise.
mom: are you kids committing seppuku in there
me: [trying to scoop my guts back inside me] NO
mom: ok… no seppuku
I’m sorry, but pouring some sugar on someone just sounds like a housekeeping nightmare.
Damn girl, are you my Boy Scout troop leader? Cause you’re making me pitch a tent.
To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before They Decided I’m A “Good Friend”
If a man shows up with cotton eyes, my first question won’t be about his travel itinerary.
Do you think I can get a new ringtone on this ankle monitor?
I think the short sellers had it right with Game Stop. It’s a failing business. If you look closely at their actual business model it does not seem at all effective at stopping games.
2yo: Me sick *sneezes in my face*
Me: Oh good, what fun plague am I going to catch now?
My kid asked me to hold her candy, took one look at my excited face and decided she should hold onto it instead, which was definitely the right call.
…sees you when you’re sleeping, knows when you’re awake, knows if you’ve been bad or good…
Me: Omg, this song is about my phone.
If they didn’t want to see me twerk at this PTA meeting they shouldn’t have asked if I had any skills I could bring to the table!
Wife: how much did it cost to rent that bouncy castle?
Me: I dunno. Buying it wasn’t cheap tho
Glad i moved to a hip neighborhood where everyone is hot and I look like a rat who figured out how to use H&M gift card.
There are some people that, when you think about them, you just feel better. And that’s nice.
Fun prank: Tweet “Brb gonna pet the tigers in the zoo” and then don’t tweet for nine years.
[showing my chiropractor the scene where the robot stretches Mr. Incredible and fixes his back]: This. I want this.
As I move away from the hometown that’s nurtured and protected me ever since I was 9 years old, I fondly wave goodbye to the place that saw me grow from a 50 pound weakling in to a 250 pound weakling.
When do I get to find my nice Canadian girl to settle down with and have flannel babies?
[cool person follows me]
me: ok I gotta bring my A game now it’s only good tweets from here
me 5 mins later: horses r just big dogs ?
*Sits straight up in bed*
“THE CHILDREN”*Kids are sitting in the produce department while two watermelons sleep peacefully in their beds*
ZZ TOP: SHE’S GOT LEGS
ME: *imagining a woman with legs* nice
ZZ TOP: SHE KNOWS HOW TO USE THEM
ME: *imagining a woman walking* NICE
Yesterday I took my first grade class to meet our new librarian. After leaving, one 6yo asked me if the old librarian left because she wanted to read different books.
How normal people flirt…”Hey Sexy*
How I flirt …If you were a tree you’d be a great tree