Some of you are boycotting sex the same way are you are boycotting owning a Maserati.
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Cover letter? Here’s my resume twice.
I’m in charge of the team-building activity at the next staff meeting, I guess we’re all getting new tattoos.
i did the math
Today’s Google Searches, Thanksgiving Edition:
My yoga instructor says I need to work on my breathing.
But I mean, 41 years, still alive. I kinda got it.
ME: I got us a penguin!
WIFE: Why would you think I’d want a penguin??
PENGUIN: Maybe not everything is about what you want.
ME: *Points at penguin* That. Yes.
I blocked some guys and another guy said good job and I blocked him too.
*slides a cheese slice with my number written on it in your pocket*
Friend: Don’t be nervous about your interview, just act like you already have the job!
*2 hours later*
Friend: So, how did your pilot interview go?
Me: *sirens blaring as police chase me down in my stolen helicopter* NOT GREAT STEVE
“Hey”, with the intention of angrily removing the tomato from my cheeseburger and slapping you in the face with it.
librarian: that’s $34.92 in late fees
me: *whispers* waldo’s really hard to find
GARDEN STORE MANAGER:
why did you just give that customer a high fiveME: he bought some dirt
GARDEN STORE MANAGER: um ok
ME: and I told him congrats on soiling himself
When the cleaning lady say’s “Have a good night”, I try to time it so we say it in unison. Then I say our “You too” response in harmony.
Me: What are you doing?
4yo: I’m scalloping like a horse.
I went to the local apiary to buy a dozen bees. They gave me thirteen and said the last one was a free bee.
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer had a very shiny nose. Other symptoms of his alcoholism included violent rampages and chronic nausea.
If the person driving right in front of me comes to a complete stop at a stop sign, I’m like “that was enough for the both of us.”
My 8yo had his hair styled nicely this morning so I asked what he put in it to look so good……and he said it was oil from the pan I roasted broccoli in last night.
You really can’t make this stuff up.
My mother doesn’t believe in expiration dates, she’s on day 3 of believing in food poisoning.
If you use your stimulus check to buy baby chicks, then you got the money for nothing and the chicks for free.
Them: “Dance like no one is watching.”
Me: *dances*
Them: “WTF is she doing? She knows we can see her, right?”
IKEA furniture will now snap together
will no tools or hardware.The company boasts that it will save
thousands of h̶o̶u̶r̶s̶ marriages
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
Me: Ping me when you are free.
Girl:Ok. *Starts working in 2 Shifts*
Every time.
Guys, don’t take the first step cause girls hate that easy guy. Also, you must take the first step cause they hate the shy one. Good luck!
I hope I don’t die of something stupid like old age, I want a piano to fall on my head.
Some people come into your life for a reason.
Like for target practice.
A wine sampling? How delightful. I’d also like to experience only a titch of love and a morsel of happiness.
ME: Sorry I made things weird in bed last night
WIFE: Ok, but you’re still wearing the Shrek mask.