[frantically putting on Victorian era clothes as I bleed out] must… fit in.. with… other ghosts
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So quick to claim someone on your taxes yet so slow to make them a snack.
[Oreo meeting]
What about ‘sextuple stuffed’
“That’s just inappropriate Jeff you’re fired”
[later googling Sextuple]
“Omg that’s genius”
‘If you call me from a Private number… I’ll respect your Privacy and won’t answer.’ 💥
Little known fact, Alvin wore the big A on his shirt because he slept around.
My favorite thing about people singing happy birthday in a restaurant is when they stop.
You know in a video game when you kept pushing b to get through the talking part but later realized you should’ve read it? That’s adulthood.
me: I want to be inside you like one of those Russian dolls that keeps getting smaller and smaller
her: you’ve never sexted with a real person before, have you
Bored? Sneak a dog into the movies and loudly explain the plot to the dog
Bring your sick kid to business meetings and watch how fast people get to the point.
“Miss me yet?” – 2019
Hear me out, a leaf blower, but for people.
I’m won’t try to steal your man but I might try to steal your sandwich
i gave my 4-year-old bubble wrap from a package and he thanked me for his christmas present. now i can’t stop thinking of all the money i could have saved
Lady at the dollar store checked to see if my $20 was fake. Like if I could counterfeit money I’d be shopping at the dollar store.
Optometrist: You have 2020 vision.
Me: But my vision sucks.
Optometrist: Exactly.
[planning heist]
Me: then we access the vault
Guy: I don’t think they have a vault
Me [mocking]: yeah I bet they jus leave the Mcflurrys out
There’s an old sheet of paper in the Batcave with “Carrier pigeons” “Carrier bats (??)” “Morse code” crossed out, and “Searchlight” circled.
A year ago I moved the silverware to a more convenient location in the kitchen, and every day for the last year I’ve been conveniently opening the wrong drawer.
[On a date]
Me: I want to be buried under a large oak tree, give my body back to the earth
Him: that’s so sweet
Me: no I mean right now
People who have drive and determination impress me. Yesterday one of my kitchen drawers got stuck and I was like, guess I’m never using a fork again.
10 years ago, as a joke, I told everyone I was giving up sex for Lent. Haven’t gotten laid since. Well played, God.
why this chick look like a soccer player posing for senior pictures
I could never be a map maker. Not because I think it’s hard, I just don’t know how tf to spell meditarainian.
My neighbour said I’m not allowed to feed the baby raccoons living in their shed. I wonder if they’d prefer left over chicken to sandwiches
(first week into weight watchers)
You think I can get an advance on next week’s calories?
[overheard at a 7 year old’s birthday party]
GIRL: I wanna marry you
BOY 1: 😲
BOY 2: I wanna marry your toilet
you accidentally send 2 people to hell, and all of a sudden nobody wants to play with you anymore
Such a stupid sign! Babies can’t read
[the clock strikes half past two]
dentist: my time has come
It might sound childish, but when my wife pisses me off, I dry my hands on the towels that “are just for decoration”