Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
Me: preferably over some type of heat source
You Might Also Like
I told my family we’re gonna axe some of our 5 streaming services, and my teens looked at me like I was some kind of murderer.
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh, guess who’s awoken the tickle monster?
Standing closer to me in line will not get you to the checkout faster.
A remake of The Ring, except it’s Jeff Goldblum joyfully crawling out of your TV.
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself round youHer(flirting): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you were in the restroom
Starting to think the frog dissection skills I learned in high school are never going to pay off.
“What fruit or vegetable extract have we not said was good for your hair yet?”
~Shampoo developers probably
Sugar-free anything tastes like it’s based on a true story.
Single white female seeking a nice, respectful paycheck and 401k to settle down with.
*walks in on family gathering*
I AM NOT CLEANING UP ALL OF THIS BLOOD
if i was a conductor of an orchestra, i would abuse my power by making them warm up to a stirring rendition of “ice, ice, baby.”
Maybe she’s born with zits, maybe it’s methamphetamine
The 4 stages after getting dumped…
1) Waiting cuz u thinks it’s temporary.
2) Throwing in the towel.
3) Getting a cat.
4) Revenge.
WIFE: please come out of there so we can talk
ME: [from cardboard box] i’m sorry come out of where?
WIFE: [sigh] please exit the spacecraft
Arby’s is good, no bird problem, very few bird in restaurant, Arby’s, “where there are not very many birds” that’s our new slogan
I feel for any dog who’s owned by a homeless guy. The poor pooch must be thinking “Where does this guy live, we’ve been walking for 3 years”
Lesson learned: toddlers don’t understand sarcasm. As a side note, don’t say ‘bite me’ around toddlers that don’t understand sarcasm
I hate it when my Wife says that we need to talk.
It’s always “What’s wrong with you?” and never about sports, beer or bikini models.
once i got commissioned to review a film, and when i went to file my story I said “Here’s my review! Not a great movie tbh” and then forgot to paste in the Google Doc link, so the editor replied being like “oh… we’d still like an article?”
You can’t make me jealous. You’re not my friends who send their kids to their grandparents for the summer.
“U can legally stab someone if u suspect they’re a Gary.”
-no you can’t
*pulling knife from sheath*
“Sounds like somthin a Gary would say”
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
I will always try to sound smarter & make up words when talking to my doctor, like “pain in the crotchal area” or “difficulty extendilating my arms.”
god: who wants a bear?
usa: I want a black one
arctic: white for me
china: can I get a swirl
Standing in the snow on a sub-zero morning, holding a steaming bag of poop, I begin to question my ‘dogs are better than people’ philosophy.
Let’s legalize all drugs so Americans finally learn the metric system.
[Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: This isn’t exactly a glowing reference
ME: You’re supposed to read it in the dark stupid
[Tim Burton tries baseball]
COACH [rubs eyes]Got it now
T: Yes
C: Ok. Pitch
T: A dark haunted tale starring Johnny De-
C: I’m gonna kill him
I do my part to bring people together by putting “Free BBQ” signs in random yards around town.
[at the playground]
“Welcome to Swingers Club. Sorry if you thought this was about spouse-swapping. Now who wants to give me a push?”