i just bought a used car and the owners left their “baby on board” sign in it. i don’t have any children so i just wrote “former” on it
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I know I shouldn’t make hot beverages from fish parts, but it’s just my gill tea pleasure.
…No, YOU shut up.
Miley Cyrus has her tongue out more than Jabba the Hutt.
Staying in a cabin with three other guys for a weekend has just become a race to say, “There he is!” anytime someone enters a room.
I accidentally bought the “Super Long & Extra Absorbent” maxi pads this month and I think that’s why I have dry mouth.
What wine goes well with two ungrateful teenagers, an oppressive boss and insurmountable credit card debt?
When I found out Carl was a beekeeper I stopped loaning him bees.
you gotta be faster
No man left behind.
No stone left unturned.
No donut left uneaten.
Arrogant Co-Worker: Do you have any idea how many years of education I have?
Me: Don’t feel bad, I got held back a couple of times myself.
Now she’s falling asleep, and I’m calling a crab.
Me: What would you give me if I can fit this whole waffle in my mouth?!
Wife: An uncontested divorce
THERE ARE 7 BILLION PEOPLE IN THE WORLD. WHY WOULD YOU HAVE SEX WITH KITCHENWARE?
Oh, that’s not what pansexual means. Carry on then.
Him: What’s another word for pee?
Her: Urinate.
Him: Aw, thanks, babe…and you’re a ten, but please answer my question.
carly rae jepsen: call me maybe
dads: ok maybe
[inventing napkin dispensers]
bob: it has 2 settings
exec: ok
bob: 1 at a time
exec: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
exec: first of all I love it
My milk crate brings all the boys to the ER.
PSYCHIC: I can see your future
ME: Are you really a medium?
PSYCHIC: *shows me the size on her shirt tag*
ME: Medium. Son of a gun…
Tattoos are a nice way to forever honor loved ones, like family members who have passed away, or skulls with bat wings that have passed away
absolutely love it when i spend all morning crafting an email so professional and precise it is essentially endorsed by the better business bureau only for dave from accounts payable to reply “ok” in size 45 comic sans
Bank: your credit card payment is late
Me: your imaginary financial system is illegitimate
Bank: what
Me: nothing what do I owe
Clean sheet day!!
*brushes Pringles crumbs over to his side of the bed*
ME BEFORE HAVING TEENS: I like a good, crunchy apple
ME AFTER HAVING TEENS: Apples totally slap. Much cronch.
They are adding commercials to Netflix so GenZ will finally understand and appreciate our struggle
According to my wife’s new feng shui consultant, I need to move out.
interviewer:
are there any accomplishments from your last job that you’re particularly proud of?me:
i’m responsible for ten new rules in their employee handbookinterviewer:
that’s great! you wrote them?me:
that’s not what i said
Sorry I said “it’s probably burning him” as your baby cried during his christening.
My 2024 goal is just to make sure the aliens know I’m on their side.
You know spaghetti is done when it leaves and takes the kids
60% of parenting is making grand plans to do something special with your kids and then hoping they forget about them so you don’t have to go.
Sorry, grandma. You stood up. You have to be Slim Shady now.